


Sincerely, Me

by SleeplessInGeneral



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ADHD, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Bi Evan, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cynthia is really trying to be a good mom, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay Connor, Heidi is already a good mom, Homophobia, I'll just tag as I go, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jared is actually pretty cool, Larry is still an asshole, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Verbal Abuse, bath bombs, honestly I don't really know how to write BPD, how do I tag this ffs, i blame my wife for making me ship kleinphy and you cant fight me, kinda sorta bit ooc, ships may change eventually, soft!connor, theater kid Connor, well at least sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-12-23 22:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11999472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessInGeneral/pseuds/SleeplessInGeneral
Summary: So no. Connor didn't die. He's been trying to kill himself for years now, and the one time he's sure it's going to work - the one year he decides to finally put his Zoloft to good use - Zoe somehow finds a way to fuck everything up for him. She doesn't do it alone, but Connor isn't going to blame the other guy. He's too fucking sensitive for that.He's also pretty fucking adorable, but he can't think about that. And he shouldn't be able to, anyway, because he's supposed to be dead.Or, the AU where Connor lives. Not by miracle. Rather by a guardian angel. Also his sister.





	1. Chapter Zero. You're such a freak.

**Author's Note:**

> Note, this is unbeta'd. And I'll be editing this as I go. It's how I work.
> 
> So this is my first fanfic for this fandom, and I'm still writing it. I am known for being stuck for months, sometimes years, between posting stuff. But so long as I'm still working on it in my head, right?
> 
> ...yeah, tell that to yourself...
> 
> Most of this chapter, and of the next, has dialogue straight from the musical. After it it's all creative freedom. I'm planning on having a next chapter but I don't know how this fanfic will go, so... I don't know, we'll wait and see? I think that's the best option?
> 
>  
> 
> Edit (October 2nd) (written on my phone, I’m at work, forgive me): I am aware that I’m making Connor quite OOC, at least starting the fourth/fifth chapter (depending how you count). The thing is, you see, I live the angst every day. I refuse to make any of my babies, be they fictional characters or my own OCs, suffer the way I do. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was twelve, I do CBT and I’m supposed to take Ritalin. But it makes me numb, and it makes me sad, and I don’t like that.  
> Since there’s very little that is known about Connor, I project quite a bit and take a lot of creative liberties. Such as giving him ADHD, since it wouldn’t make much of a difference. ADHD usually comes with other mental disorders such as the Connor-typical depression and, less commonly, BPD. My therapist explained BPD to me and the extremities of this disorder, and I think that as far as his anger goes, it could be frustration. Larry tried and gave up, wouldn’t that make you mad? It would make me mad. Add to that the numbness of it all. Ritalin makes you numb. Pot makes you numb. This feeling is frustrating, and I think that especially to highly emotional people, so it only makes sense he’ll be this kind of person. He’s numb, and he’s angry about it, so he’ll get it out. He’s aware of the consequences, he doesn’t like them, but at that moment, he doesn’t really care for anything because he can’t fully comprehend his actions.
> 
> Bottom line is, there is angst. You want it, you’ll get it. But my angst is rather unconventional and includes a lot of creative liberties where it comes to Connor. Don’t like it, don’t read it.

_Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be an amazing day and here's why: because today all you have to do is just be yourself. Also confident, that's important, and interesting, like, easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself. That's the big, like, that's number one, be yourself. Just be true to yourself. Also though don't worry about your hands getting sweaty_

"So you just decided not to eat last night." Heidi walked into her son's room, waving a twenty dollar bill in her hand. Evan looked up from his laptop.

"I wasn't hungry."

"You're a senior in high school, Evan," Heidi said as she put the bill on Evan's bedside table. "You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I'm at work. You can do it all online now. You don't have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don't like the phone."

"Well, you see," Evan started rambling. "It's not true, actually. I'd have to talk to the delivery person when they come to the door, and then they'd have to make change, and I'd have to stay there totally silent while they're counting the change and –"

"Okay, this is what you're supposed to be working on, Evan. With Dr. Sherman. Talking, to people! Engaging with people! Not running away from people!" Heidi was overly excited about this whole thing. Evan didn't like it. He tried avoiding her eyes as much as possible.

"You're right," he said. If only to shut her up. "I'm going to be a lot better!"

"I know, I know, I know you are! That's why I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon." Oh shit. "I'll pick you up after school."

"I already have an appointment next week."

"Yeah, I just thought you could use something a little bit sooner!" Evan looked back at his laptop. "Hey, have you been writing those letters he wants you to do? The letters to yourself? Little pep talks. Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day! Here's why. Have you been doing those?"

"Yeah, I started writing one. I'll finish it at school."

Heidi rubbed his back. "Those letters are important, honey. They're gonna help you build your confidence! Seize the day! I don't want another year of you sitting at home on your computer every Friday night telling me you have no friends."

"Neither do I." That wasn't a blow-off. That was genuine. Evan tried thinking what he should write when Heidi jumped again.

"I know, you can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast! How about that?" Evan rolled his eyes a bit. Heidi took a sharpie and put it in his hand. "Come on, it'll be the perfect icebreaker! Wouldn't it?"

"Perfect." It came out more sarcastic than Evan intended.

And then it came. "I'm proud of you already." Evan didn't know how to respond. Why should his mother be proud of him? What had he ever done that she's proud of him? He wasn't special. He wasn't as popular as Jared, he had good grades because his classes were easy, he just wasn't something so special. So what is there for her to be proud of?

He just said "oh, good" instead.

* * *

 

Connor already smoked a joint when his mother came to force him downstairs for breakfast. So long as she didn't know he climbed down his window to smoke in the yard earlier, he was safe. He made it a thing not to smoke in his room. Mainly because of the books. He had a lot of books.

He silently thanked whatever imaginary god there is for having the common sense to shower immediately after smoking, so his mother didn't notice anything. He dressed quickly, grabbed his bag and rushed downstairs. He wanted to have coffee before having to take his pills. Or to face fucking Larry. Whichever happened first. He was pretty sure facing Larry was going to be the first one to happen, because he didn't want to go to school today. And there was no point in taking his pills if he wasn't going to face anyone who isn't family today.

Not that he really considered Larry family anyway.

His mother was setting the table when he got to the dining room. Connor just threw his bag wherever and went to sit at the table, looking at the map. The same boring fucking map. He had words rushing through his head, most of them making zero sense to him, and it was easy to sort through them if he didn't focus on anything. And looking at the map certainly helped. Cynthia put the cereal box next to him.

"You're not going to eat?"

"Huh?" He hoped she'd just think he's tired. "Yeah, I'll… I'm going to eat. Thanks."

"Do you want coffee, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks again, mom." She just smiled at him. He started putting cereal in his bowl when fucking Larry came downstairs, looking at his phone.

He was always on his phone.

It wasn't that long after when Zoe joined them. Connor avoided looking at her. He just hoped his mom won't bring up the school thing.

"Can you drive me to school today or do I have to take the bus again?" Zoe asked, trying to snap Connor out of his trance. He was still busy with his thoughts. "Connor!"

"No, I can't drive you to school today."

And then it happened. "Why exactly can't you drive your sister to school today?" Cynthia asked. "You go to the same school, if you haven't noticed yet."

"Because I'm not going today. I don't feel good. I'll go tomorrow."

"Oh, poor baby Connor," Zoe said in a mocking voice.

"Fuck you, bitch." She gave him a dirty look. "Look, there is a solution. I already proposed it last week. I could drive you to school and then go back home. But –"

"It's your senior year, Connor." Oh shit. There we go again. "You are not missing the first day."

"I already said I'd go tomorrow. I'm trying to find a compromise here!" He's been trying to find that compromise since last week.

"Can you get involved here?" Cynthia whipped a kitchen towel at Larry. "You're too busy on your emails, Larry."

"You have to go to school, Connor."

Almost laughable.

"That's all you're going to say?"

Connor looked back down at the map. He had to lose it again. He needed his trance. Shut everyone out. The words were flooding his mind once again, and then it was ruined.

By fucking Larry.

"What do you want me to say? He doesn't listen. Look at him, he isn't listening. He's probably high."

"He's definitely high," Zoe noted. So she did catch him outside earlier today… He raised his head, if only to give her a death glare.

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"I do not need you picking at your brother now." Cynthia finally took her seat between Connor and Zoe. "That is not constructive!"

"Are you kidding?" Zoe just gestured towards Connor. He tried to hide his eyes from his mother.

"Besides, he's not high." Yeah right he's not high. "Are you high?" Connor raised his head to glare at Zoe again. Which made it easier for Cynthia to see his eyes. "I don't want you going to school high, Connor! We have talked about this!"

At least now she's contradicting herself.

"Perfect, so then I won't go!" He got off his chair, going to get his bag. "Thanks mom!"

He didn't even make it to his room before he heard Zoe scream "if Connor isn't coming here now I'm leaving without him."

He had to go to school. If only to drive Zoe. He knew his mom was going to make him drive her, so...

He'd better just go.

* * *

 

Evan already ran into some people – specifically Alana Beck, who told him all about her summer and how her grandmother died after breaking a hip, which made Evan a bit worried even though he knew it was incredibly irrational because he only broke his arm and her grandmother was old – when Jared caught up to him in the hallway. Evan was putting his things in his locker and Jared just… popped up. He was supposed to give him a ride to school today. But… things happened.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off?" Jared always had the worst tact, if he even had any. "Do you consider that an honor–"

"I wasn't– I wasn't doing that!"

"Paint me the picture," Jared said somewhat enthusiastically. "You're in your bedroom, you got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird off-brand cellphone…"

"That's, that's not what happened! Obviously. I was just, well, I was climbing a tree, and I fell."

Jared's face was – to put it in terms – priceless. "You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?"

Evan really didn't want Jared to laugh. It wasn't funny. It wasn't even… It just wasn't. "Well, I was, I don't know if you know but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger, um, at Ellison State Park, I'm sort of a tree expert now, I mean, that's a…" Evan didn't know why he gestured so much or why Jared looked at him like he was a joke all the time. "Anyway, I tried, um, I tried to climb this forty-foot tall oak tree –"

"And then you fell."

Evan couldn't stop himself from talking at this point. "Well, it's after– it's a funny story, though, because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there, um, on the ground waiting for someone to come get me, I was just, 'any second now, they're gonna come.'" He put the last book he didn't need in the locker and closed it. Jared still looked like he was going to laugh. "I was saying to myself, 'any second now, they're gonna come.'"

"Did they?"

"No, nobody came, that's, um, that's what's funny."

Jared burst in laughter again. "Jesus Christ!"

"I just –" It was obvious Jared didn't want to talk to him more than that. "What did you do for the… You had a good summer?"

"Well," Jared started. "My bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second base below the bra with this girl from Israel who's going to be in the army, so… yeah. If that answers your question." He turned to leave when Evan remembered the sharpie in his pocket.

"Do– do you want to sign my cast?"

Jared turned around. "Why are you asking me?"

Again, Evan's mouth failed him. "Well, I just, I thought, because we're friends…"

"We're family friends!" Evan felt there was a bit more behind those words than there usually was. "That's like, a whole different thing and you know it." Jared put his arm around Evan's shoulder. "Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance." Evan freed himself from Jared's hand when Jared jumped back a bit.

"Hey, Connor! Loving the new hair length, very school-shooter chic!" Connor Murphy terrified Evan, ever since they met in middle school. Now, though? Now Evan's blood was freezing. If looks could kill, he thought, Connor's glare would certainly turn Jared to dust at this point. "I was just… kidding… it was a joke –"

"Yeah, I know." Connor's voice was harsh. Cold and harsh. "It was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Jared started taking his distance. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?!"

"You're such a freak." And then Jared just sprinted away, leaving Evan alone with Connor.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" _Connor was freaking Evan the fuck out._

"What –"

"Stop fucking laughing at me!"

"Oh, no, I'm not –"

"You think I'm a freak?!"

"No, no, I don't –"

"I'm not a freak!"

"But I wasn't laughing –"

"You're the fucking freak!" Connor straightened his messenger bag and rushed past Evan, pushing him onto the lockers. Evan stayed there for a couple of moments, saying nothing. He couldn't say anything.

And then there was Zoe.

* * *

 

_You're such a freak._

He was _not_ a freak. Connor Murphy was _not_ a _freak_. But he had heard it so much at this point, it was hard not to believe it anymore.

_Your entire family thinks you're fucking crazy. Your grandmother wants you to be thrown in a mental ward. Everyone thinks you're a freak. Why aren't you dead yet? Everything will be better if you'd just die –_

"Hey, I'm sorry about my brother." Connor stopped where he was. _Fucking Zoe._ She was going to just say that Connor isn't okay, and that he should be– "I saw him push you. He's a psychopath. Evan, right?"

_He's a psychopath._

"Evan."

_He's a psychopath._

"That's your name."

"Yesitisitsevansorry."

_You're such a freak._

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because you said Evan and then I said it, I repeated it, which is just, that is so annoying when people do that, so."

"I'm Zoe."

"Yes, no, I know, so."

_It was a joke._

Connor started going outside, but he turned around for a second and saw Zoe and Evan walking in his direction. Probably not to get him, but it didn't stop his mind from believing something completely different.

"You know?"

"You know, it's just that you play guitar at jazz band, I love jazz band, I love jazz, well not all jazz but definitely like jazz band jazz, that's so weird, sorry."

The voices started going away. Connor knew they weren't really going to go away, but at least they were starting to drown. He ran to the stairs, just to get them out of his way. Well, to get to homeroom, because then there was English, but mostly to get his sister and her new boyfriend-to-be out of the way.

* * *

 

"You apologize a lot." Zoe smiled at Evan. She was so… _nice_. Probably out of pity. But on the off-chance that it wasn't pity, Evan was happy she was talking to him.

"Sorry." That was an automatic response. "I mean…"

"Okay, well –" Zoe started going away, possibly to her own class.

"Do you want to sign my cast?"

She turned to him. "What?"

Oh, no. Here it goes again. "What's you say?"

"I didn't say anything, you said something." She looked confused. _Not good. Confused is not good._

"No, um, me? No way." Evan tried his hardest to not show how embarrassed he was.

"Well, I'll go to class now." Zoe smiled again. "I'll see you around, Evan."

"Y-yeah, you too…"

And then she left. Zoe Murphy was a lot nicer than Evan expected. A lot easier to talk to, considering the fact that Evan had the hardest time talking to _anyone_ , even his therapist.

He was sure he wanted to talk to her again.


	2. Chapter One. Now We Can Both Pretend That We Have Friends.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan is reminded that there are dumplings in the freezer, and Connor seeks love advice via text message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting next chapter I don't think I'll use much of the text from the musical itself... except Sincerely, Me. Honestly what kind of person would I be if I didn't.
> 
> This chapter may feel a bit rushed. It's fine. I tell myself that it has to be because my ideas sometimes don't translate well, especially when I'm on an average of five hours of sleep per night for a whole week. I'll edit this, I swear to god I'm going to edit this.
> 
> Also Zoe is kind of a badass sweetheart, though you may not understand why I wrote her the way I did... and the phone tracker thing is a thing in my house. I'm sure Larry would want Zoe and Connor to have that too. Not for the same reasons my dad wants me to have one, but it's still important.

"Yeah, honey, I know I'm supposed to pick you up for your appointment. I'm stuck at work. Erica called in with the flu and I'm the only other nurse working on today so I volunteered to pick up work." This wasn't the first time something like this happened. Evan was quite ready for this to happen already, actually. He could handle it. It was a situation he knew how to handle. "Also, go ahead and eat without me. I won't be home until late. I'm going straight from here to class. We've got those Trader Joe's dumplings in the freezer."

Wait, they have dumplings in the freezer…?

"Maybe…"

"Hey, did you write one of these letters yet?" It was getting annoying at this point. "Dr. Sherman's expecting you to have one. Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day, here's why…"

"Yeah, don't worry. I already finished it. Um, I'm in the computer lab right now. I'm printing it out." At least it wasn't a lie.

"Oh, was it a good day honey?" Evan nodded. And then realized she can't see him through the phone.

"It was… yeah, it was great."

"Great!" Heidi sounded genuinely enthusiastic. Tired, but enthusiastic. "I hope it's the beginning of a great year. I think we both could use one of those, huh?" She gave a little laugh. "Oh shit, I have to run. Bye."

"Bye."

Evan was alone in the computer lab.

* * *

 

_Dear Evan Hansen._

_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because… because why would it be? I know, I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe who I don't even know, and who doesn't know me, but… you know, maybe, maybe if I could just talk to her, maybe…_

_Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said would matter to anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,  
Me._

* * *

 

Connor was a fucking _idiot_. He was called to the counselor's office after English and held there for about half an hour as that fucking royal pain in the ass was ranting about updating his prescription because apparently his mom told the school that he changed pills. That woman was a pain in his ass since his first day of freshman year, always on his back, always bugging him about everything. He didn't even know how she found out about half of the things he's done, and he didn't want to know. Because it might end up with his mom being involved as well. His mom being involved would mean she'll know he doesn't take anything, be it Zoloft or Ritalin, and if she finds out…

Yeah, it was best if he just played along with the counselor. At least until he wasn't there anymore.

But then there was Evan Hansen. He made Connor want to be a good person. Connor had a crush on the kid since first grade, for fuck's sake, but he just went and hurt him. He just wasn't good for anything but that, and it sucked.

_You can't even do crushes right. Psychologically speaking, crushes usually only last for four months. You've been into Evan Hansen since you were six. What's so wrong with you that it still exists?_

As soon as he got to English class, Connor made up his mind to apologize to Evan. He kept that decision in mind for the rest of the day, mulling over how to do it, especially because of the way he acted and the least he could do was to be nice to a guy he liked, and he wasn't such a nice guy himself. At least no one thought he was, so he assumed he wasn't.

He did the one thing he could do. Contact someone so nice it'd give you cavities.

* * *

 

**_To: RUTHLess_ **

_Ruthiekins i need ur help asap_

_Chto takoy babe_

_Math is boring_

_I don't know why I even have to go to school anymore_

_dont pretend you dont like school Ruth_

_Don't pretend you don't know I only do school for the diploma  
because acting school Connor_

_I need to apologize to someone and i dunno how to_

_ur the nicest person i know_

_plz help me fix this_

_Because your best idea is to text me isn't it_

_Connor you need to relax_

_You're a great guy_

_I dont feel like it sometimes_

_Neither do I but someones gotta tell you that once in a while_

_Just imagine you're on stage reading a script_

_It'll come naturally to you_

_if it was a real stage id be romeo the moment he sees juliet_

_but with a lot less dead people_

_maybe just one_

_Connor_

_Connor Murphy_

_Connor James Murphy_

_I know you so well_

_You're a handsome, smart, charming motherfucker_

_You deserve everything good to happen to you_

_Self doubt is just a part of being sick and you know it_

_r u quoting dr moranis_

_I can't not quote dr Moranis you know_

_Not in a situation like this_

_Now put on some showtunes_

_Little Shop or something_

_And just_

_Shut up and go be a nice person_

_I put all my faith in you so you betta not fuck this up_

_aint helping Ruthie_

_dont put all your eggs in one basket_

_or some other bullshit like that_

_Or some other bullshit like that_

* * *

 

"So, um, what happened to your arm?"

Evan turned around from the computer he worked on. _Connor Murphy_. He had one earbud still in his ear, the other hanging freely, and Evan caught himself following the movement of the free string.

"Oh, I, um, I fell out of a tree actually."

Connor smirked. "Fell out of a tree?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." He gave a small, breathy laugh. Evan had no idea why people found this so funny.

"I know."

"Um, no one's, uh, signed your cast."

"No, I know."

"Well, I'll sign it." _Wait, what?_

"You don't… you don't have to –"

"Do you have a sharpie?" Connor seemed genuine enough. It took Evan a second to process the request before he took the sharpie out of his pocket and gave it to Connor, who grabbed his hand and started writing rather quickly. Soon enough the whole front of the cast was written on.

_CONNOR_

Oh, great… "Oh, great. Thanks."

"Yeah, well, now we can both pretend that we have friends."

"It's a good, uh… good point." Evan started leaving. Connor still scared him, as oddly insecure as he seemed at the moment. Could a person like Connor be insecure? Was it a mask thing, that he wasn't as bad inside?

"Is this yours?" Evan turned around. Connor had his letter. "Um, I found it on the printer. It's… it's, Dear Evan Hansen, that's your name, right?" Evan nodded and went to get the letter. But Connor held it away from him.

* * *

 

"Yeah, no, it's just a stupid, just this paper that I had to write, so, it's for an assignment –"

_A first day assignment? Yeah right._

Connor quickly went over the page, reading to himself. _Dear Evan Hansen, turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all…_ "Because there's Zoe…?" What Zoe? …oh. "Um, is this about my sister?"

_Evan wrote about your sister. Evan wrote about your fucking sister._

"No, no –"

"You wrote this because you knew that I would find it." _Stop talking. Idiot. Fucking psycho. Just stop talking you're embarrassing yourself just fucking stop talking!_

"What?"

"Yeah, you, uh…" _Why won't you just shut the fuck up already?!_ "You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it." _What a brilliant theory, Connor! Worthy of a fucking Pulitzer prize, now innit._

"Why– why would I –"

Connor's mouth worked faster than his brain could stop it. "So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?! And then you can tell everybody that I'm crazy!"

_Such a fantastic way to handle a crush, Connor. What a way._

"What –"

"Right?!"

"No, I don't –"

"Fuck you!"

"No no no I need that back so please can you please give it back?!"

* * *

 

Connor disappeared on Evan five minutes after the exchange, running away with Evan's letter. So Evan did the next best thing he could do.

Or at least, that's what he told Zoe.

Zoe ran into Evan in the break between classes. It was actually more correct to say that he ran into her, literally knocking her into her locker. He was red and had trouble breathing, as far as Zoe could tell. And then he blurted out everything, and Zoe was confused the first time.

Worried, the second.

Terrified, the third.

"Do you want me to help you find Connor?" Zoe was walking with Evan outside, to get some air. She could be late to class. It wouldn't affect her record that badly. "I can do it."

"Really can you it's just it's so important I have to get that letter and –"

"Evan, first of all, breathe. You're hyperventilating."

"Sorry."

Zoe pulled her phone and opened the tracker app. Her dad insisted she has it on her phone, to track her brother whenever he disappeared. Usually she didn't care much about it. But… Evan seemed nice enough, and the story wasn't all so unbelievable. And besides, she did see Connor shove Evan into a locker today…

"You see that blue dot?" She showed Evan her phone, and he nodded shortly. "That's Connor's phone. I could give you my phone and you'd go after him, but I think it would be easier if I went with you." Evan started getting red again. "Just in case my phone locks."

"ThatsokayIdontreallyneedthatletteranywayandyouresoniceandyoudontneedtodothisitsjust –"

"Come on. We're going to find that psycho."

"Y-you really don’t, um, you really don't have to."

"It's nothing. Connor's still my brother, and I was hoping we could be friends." Evan tried to hide a smile. Zoe thought it was adorable. Like a puppy, in a way. "Friends?"

"Yeah, um, yeah. Sure."

"Let's go catch a psycho then."

* * *

 

Connor felt hot. He knew this feeling. It was the same feeling he had before his first suicide attempt. Hot, jittery and incredibly nervous.

_Good job, asshole. Just a few minutes and it'll all be over. Just give it a few minutes._

He closed his eyes, waiting for the noise to end. It didn't. It only got louder. That certainly didn't happen the last time. Wait, what did happen to him the last time? He could hear sirens, he could hear people around him not caring about a thing in the world…

The darkness was a lot closer now.

_"…it happened before, believe me!"_

_"Miss, it's not going to help –"_

_"Any moment you waste is a bit more damage that's going to be done to him. I can call a legal guardian…"_

The next thing Connor knew, there was bright light everywhere.

_Good. So you're actually dead._

If not for the incredibly loud beeps.


	3. Chapter Two. Something To Look Forward To.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything goes downhill for Evan, Jared isn't being exactly supportive, and Heidi plans for Evan's future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I lied. This entire chapter, save for some points, is mostly from the musical. I ordered the book so I could be more accurate with this, so around October I'll edit everything according to the musical...? At least I hope that's what's going to happen.
> 
> Yeah, I skipped For Forever. I can't really write that scene. But I did my best, and... Next chapter is Sincerely, Me. Which I already wrote dialogue snippets for and shared them with a friend of mine. For the laughs. 
> 
> I'm not creative with handle names. And I'm not a good misspeller. I try my best to avoid abbreviations and misspelling in text messages as much as I can, so imagine some words are mispelled...? Even with Connor's text messages. Just imagine a lot of misspelling. Because I can't.

**_From: TICJaredK_ **

_a letter to urself?_

_whatthecrap does that even mean?_

_it's like some kinda sex thing?_

_no no its not a sex thing it was an assignment_

_y r u talking to me about this_

_I didn’t know who else to talk to_

_youre my only_

_( **treeboy** is typing…)_

_family friend_

_mygod_

_I dont know what to do ok_

_he stole the letter from me three days ago_

_zoe couldnt find it (yes zoe murphy)_

_then he just…_

_he hasnt been to school since_

_that does not bode well for u_

_whats he gonna do with it?_

_who knows_

_connor murphy is batshit out of his mind_

_remember when he threw a printer at mrs g in second grade cause he didnt get to be the lineleader that day_

_do you think hes going to show the letter to_

_( **treeboy** is typing…)_

_other people?_

_hes going to ruin ur life with it_

_for sure_

_I mean_

_I would_

* * *

 

"Evan Hansen, please report back to Mr. Howard's office."

Evan had no idea what was going on. The loudspeaker came on, his biology teacher nodded and he was sent off… And he had no idea why. For all he knew he did nothing wrong in the last three days, nothing at all, unless he did and just didn't notice it…

But then he got there, and there were two people there. Neither was the principal.

"Good morning, um… I- is Mr. Howard…?" He looked around. The woman, a redhead, bowed her head. She was probably crying. The man, maybe her husband, looked at Evan with a weird expression. "Sorry. I'm sorry, um, just they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal's office –"

"Mr. Howard stepped out."

"Um…" Evan was pacing around. He had no idea what was going on, and he didn't want to know.

"We wanted to speak to you in… private." The man stood up to face Evan. His hair was graying. "If you'd like to maybe…" Evan slid into a chair, closing himself off as much as possible. As soon as he did that, the man returned to his seat.

"We're, uh… we're Connor's parents."

_Oh no. No no no no no this is not good this is bad this is super bad did they find the letter did he tell them did he just –_

"Oh…" was all Evan could say.

"Why don't you go ahead, honey," the man told his wife. She was quietly sobbing.

"I'm going as fast as I can."

"It's not what I said, is it?"

"This is…" Mrs. Murphy wiped her cheeks and took a deep breath. "Connor… he wanted you to have this."

And she handed Evan a folded paper. _Oh no. Again._

"We…" Mr. Murphy cleared his throat. "We never heard your name before, Connor never… and then we saw… Dear Evan Hansen –"

"He gave this to you?" Evan opened the folded paper.

_'Dear Evan Hansen._

_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because… because why would it be? I know, I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe who I don't even know, and who doesn't know me, but… you know, maybe, maybe if I could just talk to her, maybe…'_

This was just… Evan felt sick.

"We didn't know you two are friends."

"Friends?"

"We didn't think Connor has any friends." Mr. Murphy was starting to stress Evan out even more than he already was. "And then we see this… this letter. And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor are, or at least… for Connor, that he thinks of you as… I mean, it's right there. Dear Evan Hansen. It's addressed to you. He wrote it to you."

Evan didn't feel like he could talk. He felt like throwing up. "You think that this, um… you think that Connor wrote this to me?"

"These are the words he wanted to share with you," Mrs. Murphy said, her voice all congested. Evan hated seeing people cry. Why would she cry anyway, if she seemed to think that he was friends with Connor?

"This letter was probably supposed to be his last words."

_Wait what?_

"This is what he wanted you to have –"

"I'm sorry, what do you mean last words?"

Mr. Murphy was rubbing his hands and cleared his throat again. "Connor, uh… Connor tried to take his own life."

"He what?" _He really did…?_

"And this is all that was on him when Zoe found him in the park," Mr. Murphy continued. "It was folded up in his pocket. And you can see that he was… he was trying to explain why he was…" Mrs. Murphy stood up and started pacing. "I wish everything was different, I wish… I were a part of something, I wish what I said mattered to anyone –"

"Larry, please, stop it!"

"Okay but that's, this is not, um…" Evan's mouth just kept betraying him. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Connor, uh… Connor didn't write this."

"What does that mean?" Mrs. Murphy looked at Evan. Her eyes were all red and puffy.

"Uh, Connor, Connor didn't… he didn't write this."

"What does he mean?!"

"Cynthia, he's obviously in shock –"

"No no no it's just he didn't– he didn't –"

"It's right here!" Mrs. Murphy – Cynthia – was wildly gesturing towards the paper. Evan now felt a bit more terrified than sick.

"I'm sorry but I should probably just can I please go I'm sorry I'm sorry I'll go I'm just –"

Around that time Cynthia started raising her voice and crying again, and Larry was on his feet trying to stop her, and Evan just wanted to go back to biology class. Everyone was talking over each other before Cynthia shouted "this is all we have! This is the only thing we have!"

"Listen to me, please, Cynthia!" Larry shouted back. Evan was handing them the letter.

"You should just, you should just…" Cynthia kept pushing the letter back to him. "Take it please. Please." After she took the letter from Evan, he turned to go.

And then he was stopped, again.

"Larry, look, his cast." _This is… holy shit. Why. Why did this have to happen._ "His best and most dearest friend."

Evan was going to die. He was sure of it.

* * *

 

**_From: TICJaredK_ **

_holy shit!_

_I didnt say anything_

_I mean I just_

_right_

_I couldnt say anything_

_holy_

_fucking_

_shit_

_they invited me for dinner_

_they wanna know more stuff about connor and me_

_about our… friendship_

_what r u gonna tell them?_

_I mean_

_the truth_

_the truth_

_really_

_ur gonna go to the murphys house and explain that the only thing_  
_they have to explain their sons behavior is some weird sex letter that u wrote_  
_to urself_

_u know_

_u could go to jail for this_

_if u get caught…_

_I didnt do anything!_

_yeah_

_I hate to tell u this evan_

_but_

_u may have already perjured urself_

_isnt it only when youre under oath?_

_like in a court room?_

_well werent u under oath?_

_in a way?_

_no_

_look_

_do u wanna listen to me_

_or do u wanna have another meltdown_

_like last year in English_

_when u were supposed to give that speech about daisy buchanan_

_but instead u just stood there_

_staring at ur notecards_

_saying um um um_

_over and over again_

_like u were having a brain aneurysm_

_???_

_ok_

_what do you expect me to do?_

_just keep lying?_

_I didnt say lie_

_all u have to do is just nod and confirm_

_nod and confirm_

_whatever they say about connor_

_just nod ur head and say_

_yeah thats true_

_dont contradict!!!_

_and dont make shit up!!!_

_its foolproof_

_literally nothing I tell my parents is true and they have no idea_

_they were so sad_

_his parents_

_his mom was just…_

_ive never seen anyone so sad before_

_well then_

_good thing ur about to tell her the truth about ur sex letter_

_im sure that will cheer her right up!_

* * *

 

Dinner was a disaster. At least in Evan's eyes. He had no idea about anything almost, he just did what Jared told him to do, and it made him look like an idiot in front of Zoe. Like talking about skiing. Zoe knew Evan wasn't Connor's friend, and Evan knew that Zoe knew, but correcting him like that was… not a friend-thing to do.

"You know, you know we- you know we weren't friends," he told her later. "So why, why… um, never mind."

"I corrected you because my parents know Connor hates skiing." Zoe fell on her back, almost banging her head in the wall. "He made it very obvious a few years ago. Please don't ask what he did. And it's always easy to improvise something. You did it, after all."

He even made up this whole story about how much they emailed each other. This one Zoe didn't comment on. Larry did admit to reading Connor's emails, which made Evan start worrying that maybe he would comment on that instead. And then there was the _orchard story_. Oh, Evan hated himself for the orchard story. He had no idea what he was talking about, but his mouth just betrayed him. He talked about how they went on this trip before he had to leave for his job, they had ice cream, they broke into this orchard and had the time of their lives together…

When he told this to Jared, he called him gay.

No. Actually, his exact words were "his parents think you are lovers, you realize that, right?"

Evan's only response was "what?! Why would they think that?"

"Um," Jared started. "You're best friends, but he wouldn't let you talk to him at school, and when you did he kicked your ass, that's like… the exact formula for secret gay high school lovers."

"Oh my god."

"This is what I told you! What did I tell you?! You just nod and confirm!"

"Okay, well, I tried to but I just, you don't understand, I got nervous and then I started talking and once I started I –"

"You couldn't stop."

"…well, they didn't want me to stop."

"So… what else did you completely fuck up?"

"Nothing. Seriously." Evan looked away from the computer screen. "Um, I mean, I told them there are emails."

"Emails?"

"Yes, I told them that Connor and I, um, well, that Connor has a secret email account –"

"Oh, right! One of those secret email accounts! Sure! For sending pictures of your penises to each other!"

Jared was possibly tearing up at this point. He's been laughing for a while now.

"Yeah, so I said he has a secret account that we would send emails to each other."

"I mean, honestly, could you be any worse at this?"

"They're going to want to see our emails!"

"You think?!"

"What am I going to do?"

Jared stopped laughing for a second. "I can do emails."

"How?"

"It's easy! Make an account, backdate the emails… there's a reason I was the only CIT with key card access to the computer cluster this summer. I have skills, son."

"You would do that?"

"For two grand." He's got to be joking.

"Two thousand dollars?"

"Five hundred."

"I can give you twenty!"

"Fine, but you're a dick!" Then Jared hung up. Evan was sitting there, on his bed, trying to calm himself down. And then there was his mom.

He just hoped she heard none of the conversation.

"Hey, you." Heidi stood at Evan's door. She never invaded his privacy and he really appreciated that. He knew other people's parents sometimes invaded their privacy. Jared's mom did. "I have very exciting news. Look what I found online today!" She came closer to his bed, pulling papers out of her bag. "College scholarship essay contests! You ever heard of these?"

"I think so…?"

"NPR did a whole thing about it this morning, there's a million different ones you can do! A million different topics! I spent my whole lunch break looking these up." She handed Evan the papers, sat down next to him and started going through them. She named the scholarships and the details of them all and all Evan could do was look at the papers and try to catch up. "College is going to be so great for you, honey. How many times in life you get the chance to just start all over again?"

"No, I know."

"You got so much, you've so many wonderful things ahead of you! High school isn't all… the only people who like high school are cheerleaders and football players, and those people end up miserable anyway." She smiled at him and nudged him a bit. "Yeah, you're going to find yourself in college. I really think so. Wish I could go with you." _Wait what?_ "Anyway, I just these were, uh… you know, seemed like a neat idea."

"Yeah, no, it is. For sure." Evan didn't even know if he wanted to go to college. He thought maybe he should take a leap year, get some air. Before doing another four years of school. It was mentally tiring for him. Heidi, on the other hand, seemed set on sending him to college…

"You know, you've always been a wonderful writer!" She nudged him again. "And we're going to need all the help we can get for college. Unless your stepmother has a trust fund for you I don't know about with all those fabulous tips she makes cocktail waitressing." She got off the bed and started walking back to the door before turning back around.

"Hey, I, uh… I got an email from your school today. About a boy who tried to kill himself. Connor… Murphy? I didn't, um… I had no idea."

"Oh, yeah." Evan tried to avoid her eyes. "I don't… I don't really know him." He was not going to lie to his mother. At least not now.

"You know that, uh… if you ever- if you ever want to talk about any- I realize that lately it must feel like I'm always working or I'm at school –"

"It's fine!"

"Well, I'm here!" Heidi smiled again. Evan hated it when his mom forced herself to smile. They both knew they weren't okay, but she was the only one trying to hide it. "You know? And if I'm not here I'm a phone call away, or a text, email… whatever."

"Thanks." At this point, all Evan wanted was to be left alone.

"…alright, it says Connor," Heidi pointed out. Her smile was gone. "On your…"

"Oh, yeah, no no no!"

"You said you don't know him –"

"No, I don't! I don't! This is, um…" What does he say…? "I guess he just felt obligated to do this because his sister is a friend of mine and it's really new so you don't know her yet but she couldn't sign it and then I couldn't find her so he did this instead and now it just says Connor that's all there is to it yes this is all this is."

This was possibly the most truth-laden lie he ever told.

Heidi started laughing. Evan felt… relieved? Is that what this feeling is? "I was so worried."

"Oh, no. Sure."

"You know what?" Heidi leaned against the wall next to the door. "How about I bag my shifts next Tuesday? I mean, when's the last time we did a taco Tuesday?"

"Oh, no no no, you don't have to –"

"No, come on! You've been back at school a week already and I've barely seen you! Maybe we can start brainstorming those essay questions together, huh?"

"That'd be great."

"Great."

* * *

 

**_From: itszoe_ **

_Connor's awake now_

_I'm at the hospital with my mom and she asked me to ask you  
if maybe you wanted to come_

_For Connor_

_It would help you base the whole story if you could, you know_

_Have Connor actually know the full story_

_So he could act along_

_ill be there soon_

_Maybe tomorrow? Visiting hours are almost over._

_tomorrow after school then_

_Okay. Great._

_You'll come with us after school then._

_I'll see you tomorrow._

* * *

"That's exciting. I'm excited now. Something to… something to look forward to." Heidi sounded somewhat defeated.

"Me too."

"You okay on refills?"

"Yes."

"Don't stay up too late." She picked her bag from the floor.

"I won't."

"I love you." She was already at the door.

"Love you too."

As soon as she was gone, Evan started writing down everything he had to say to Connor. Just so he won't mess it all up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't guarantee that the next chapter will come out in the next week to two weeks, I started school and next week is a holiday, hoo-fucking-ray. And then I'm supposed to get the book. So I can't guarantee. But as I said, I have some snippets already written, so it will happen. That I can promise.


	4. Chapter Three. Why Would You Write That?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when a computer geek, an aspiring writer/lyricist and a kid with anxiety get together to write fake emails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the Sincerely, Me chapter. I had a lot of this chapter already written and just mostly had to copy from messages I sent to my friends. And... okay, so here's the thing. (Warning, a bit too TMI in the following paragraph. I think. Basically just a short version of my history with hospitals. Don't want to read it, don't read it.)
> 
> So my family has a history with hospitals and the numbers of visits and hospitalizations as of the last five years are probably way too high for a family of seven. Also, my mom is a nurse. I'm writing based on personal, not exactly first source experience, but this is more or less... you get it.
> 
> Tl;dr, personal history with hospitals, yes this is the Sincerely, Me chapter, Connor is overly nice due to medical sedation, Zoe is overly nice to Connor because Cynthia made her, let's get on with this.

"You did _what_ now?"

Connor was connected to an IV bag and he could feel the tug of the tube whenever he tried to move. But he couldn't just stay still. Not at a moment like this.

_Fucking Evan Hansen wants him to pretend that they're friends._

He has been really out of it since the moment he got back to consciousness. It was the hospital drugs, he was sure of it. He never felt like this on pot and he was aware that he was at a hospital. However, as out of it as he was, Connor really had no idea why _Evan fucking Hansen was in his hospital room._ Or how he even got in.

The second question was probably easier to explain.

With all his rambling, all Connor could figure out was that Evan was let in thanks to his mom who was a nurse, that fucking Larry and Cynthia now thought that Evan was Connor's friend, and that he wrote three pages and a half worth of things he had to tell Connor. _And he wasn't even finished yet._

"I'm, I'm so sorry, I just, I couldn't stop myself, and now your parents think that we've been talking through secret emails and I asked Jared for help and I just didn't want you to not know about this and –"

"Breathe, Hansen. I'm not going to kill you."

"I'm… I'm sorry."

"And stop fucking apologizing. You haven't stopped since the moment you came here."

"You'recalmerthanIthoughtyouwouldbeandIjustwasn'tpreparedthat'sallsorry." Evan started turning red. He was on his way there since the moment he walked in, but now he was really becoming a tomato.

"Yeah, well, I'm still kind of sedated. What did you expect?"

"I don't know…" Evan started playing with his shirt. "So…"

"So…"

"How are you doing?"

"How do you think I'm doing?" Evan took a bit of distance and something in Connor just felt wrong. "I'm fine. But let me get this straight, before we change the subject. My parents think we're friends." Evan nodded. "You told them we talk through secret emails." Another nod. "You asked Kleinman to help with those secret emails." Another nod. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"I had no choice I'm sorry Connor I really am –"

"How do you even intend on writing those emails yourself?" Evan became a bit confused. "Do you even know how I write my emails? How I write in general?"

"Well, I just, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to help maybe you don't have to if you don't want to I just –"

"What's going on, boys?" Zoe was hanging at the door, her arms crossed. "Connor, mom went out to get burgers. You're not getting any. You're not allowed."

"Why do you have to be a bitch about it, though?"

"Just because you're at a hospital doesn't mean I have to be nice to you."

"Well, mom did say you have to try."

"And I'm trying, can't you see?" She came into the room, sitting down on the bed next to Connor. "What are you talking about?"

"Evan said he said something about emails." Evan was getting more and more stressed. "Come on, Hansen, it's not like I'm lying about anything."

"Medical sedation," Zoe said, overly cheerful. "Does a personality good." Connor tried to raise his hand to hit her over the head. He managed to hit her upper arm. "What about emails?"

"I, I… I asked Jared to, to help me write fake- write fake emails for…" Evan was messing with his shirt again. "It'sjustthatweneedtowritefakeemailsandIneedConnortohelpbecauseitwouldn'tlookrealisticifhewon'thelpandnoweverythingisgoingtogotohelland –"

"Evan, breathe. You're hyperventilating." Zoe reached over Connor and hold Evan's hand. And then stopped herself, for some reason. "Con, can you hold Evan's hand for me?"

"Why won't you do it?"

"Because this is a mess that's all about you, you don't get to argue, it's not your fault but it is about you, and Evan looks like he would like to have someone hold his hand right now." When Connor turned to look at Evan, he nodded.

"What's in it for me?"

"Ice cream?"

"Nah, not worth it." Connor held Evan's hand anyway. He always wanted to. Evan's hand was a bit rough, but it felt right. For some reason it just felt right. "Cinnamon jelly beans. Like, a pound of cinnamon jelly beans. Two pounds, even."

"Let's start with a bag and go from there."

"You drive a hard bargain, but okay."

"So, fake emails." Zoe smirked and scrunched her nose. "Do you want me to help too?"

"No."

"Why- why not, Connor?"

"Because. No." Connor let go of Evan's hand for a second, just to sit up a bit straighter. He took Evan's hand back as soon as possible. "And besides, I already have a fake email address."

"Wait, really?" Zoe frowned a bit.

"Yeah. One word, Connor Murphy, dot ninety-eight, at gmail."

"…that's your actual email, Connor."

"No it isn't, Zoe. It's my fake one. It's the one Larry reads, so it's the fake one. There's another one, if you want to use it, but no freaky things."

"I, I… No freaky things. Promise."

"Zoe, a pen and paper." Zoe rolled her eyes, but pulled a glitter pen and a small notebook, tearing a page from the middle. "Thank you." He wrote down his email address, the password and his skype handle, and handed the note to Evan.

"Look me up on skype and give this paper to Kleinman. Do not lose this."

"Yes. Okay."

* * *

 

"Remind me again why we're doing this on skype?"

"Because it's the easiest option?"

"My, my, how nice you are today, Murphy."

"It's the fucking hospital drugs."

"But you, you're not supposed to, anymore, umm, what I mean is –"

"I know what you mean, Hansen. The drugs are already out of my system. I'm just really hungry, so I'm still a bit out of it. I'm waiting for food. After food I'll be back to normal."

Connor didn't look good in Evan's opinion. Jared didn't even look at the screen. He was messing on his laptop, probably looking at bath bombs.

Yeah, he was definitely looking at bath bombs.

"You're not the only one," Evan managed to say. "Jared is on his way to repeat the 2013 big bath bomb haul."

Connor's expression was one of pure confusion. "I'm not even going to ask what that means."

"Excuse me, acorn, for being bored!" Jared opened another tab. "So, what are we writing?"

"Let me try. I'm good with those things."

"I highly doubt that, Murphy."

"Kleinman, I've been called the epitome of emo. I write angst fiction in my free time. I can do this."

"Well, let's hear you then." Evan saw a huge, evil grin spread across Connor's face.

And then he opened his mouth. "Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don't talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight –"

"Why would you write that?!"

"Why wouldn't I write that?"

"Oh, this is great, Murphy. I like the direction this goes already."

"Look, if you two aren't going to be serious about this –"

"I'm dead serious!"

"But this needs to look like we're actually friends!" Evan started fidgeting. "This needs to seem totally realistic!"

"There is nothing unrealistic about the love that one man feels for another!"

That got Jared to turn his eyes from the emails to Connor's face on the other computer. "Don't make me like you, Murphy."

"I'm not even trying, Kleinman." Something was dropped next to Connor, and his mother could be heard talking. And then she was gone.

"What is it?"

"Food." Connor started fiddling with a bag. "Anyway, I'm going to continue now. I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard –"

"Hard?" Jared raised an eyebrow.

"Has been bad –"

"Bad?"

"Has been rough?" Evan offered.

"Kinky!"

"And I miss talking about life and…"

"Other stuff."

"Very specific, Hansen."

"Shut up! Can you write, um, I like my parents –"

"Who says that?"

"Yeah, even I wouldn't say that, and I don't even tolerate my parents. Try I love my parents, maybe?"

"Without the maybe."

"But each day's another fight. And now I'm going on a lunch break, so this is all up to you."

As Connor turned his focus to his food, Jared went back to buying bath bombs, and Evan just kept thinking.

"If I stop smoking drugs, then everything might be alright…? Is that okay –"

Connor dropped the fry he was holding. "Smoking drugs?"

"Just fix it!"

"Hansen, you don't smoke _drugs_. You smoke _some_ drugs. Not all. Be more specific."

"If I stop smoking crack," Jared offered.

"Let me tell you a story about my relationship with crack, Kleinman."

"If I stop smoking pot…?"

"Now that's more like it."

"Well, tell me that story."

"Nah. I'd rather tell you about my relationship with Prozac. That is a much shorter story." Jared got up in the camera and gave Connor a faux-interested look. "The short version is that I was on Prozac since sixth grade until about ninth grade. The long version includes the reason I stopped, but I don't think it's any of your business."

"Can we –" Evan felt something in his chest. "Can we focus on the… on the emails, please?"

"If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright, now what?" Jared got back to his laptop.

"So far we've been rhyming the whole email, you know that."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"I'll take your advice," Connor said, popping another fry in his mouth. "I'll try to be more nice, I'll turn it around, wait and see?"

"What are you, a songwriter?"

"I try to be. You know, to write your own musical you need to be able to write songs. Ever heard of Lin-Manuel Miranda? Joe Iconis?"

Jared rolled his eyes as Connor just smirked. "Okay, so how do you want to end the email?"

"I don't know, you make something up."

"You're the one who said he's a writer, Murphy!"

"Yes, but I have a song stuck in my head and I'm going to freak out now."

"What song?"

"You wouldn't know it. A friend of mine wrote it. Yes, I have friends, but most of them are in a mental institute and the one that isn't lives in Sherwood, Ohio. I just don't have friends around here."

"If, um, if my therapist was here he'd, um, he'd say that all that you need- all that you need is a little reinvention."

"For friends? –"

"It's easy to change if you give it your attention, all you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be –"

"Sincerely, me!"

Jared looked between Connor and Evan, a bit shocked. "Mental institute, you said?"

"That is also in the long version of my history with Prozac."

"We're changing the subject. Are we done here?"

"Well, we can't just show them one email, right?" Evan started heating up. "We need to show that we're, like, really good friends, you know?"

"Oh my god." Jared groaned loudly and opened a whole different thing on his computer.

"Dear Connor Murphy, yes, I also miss our talks," Connor sang. Evan really wondered where along this whole thing the emails became a song.

"Connor, are you, um, are you making up music to this, um…"

"What?" It took a second before Connor's eyes went wide. "Oh, shit. I do that all the time. It happened with the song that friend of mine wrote too. It's why it's a song."

"Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks –"

"No." Jared and Connor said that word simultaneously.

"Why not?"

"Why yes?"

"I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees –"

"No."

"You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise –"

"Absolutely not!"

"Kleinman, let him. It's his email. It's his thing. Let him do his shit."

"Dude, I'm proud of you –"

"Dude?"

"I'm, uh… -"

" _Dude_?"

"Just keep pushing through," Jared interrupted loudly. "You're turning around, I can see."

"Just wait and see."

"Copy paste the last ending, make it seem nice…" Jared kept muttering to himself. Connor grabbed his phone. Evan was just fidgeting in silence. "You said multiple emails, why no more emails?"

"What's it going to look like, anyway?" Connor said, still looking at his phone.

"Back to Connor's emails… My sister's hot," Jared shrugged, glaring at Connor.

"What the hell?"

"My bad."

"Oh, don't be a fucking martyr, Kleinman –"

"Dear Evan Hansen, thanks for every note you send!" Evan yelled, interrupting on purpose. "Dear Connor Murphy, I'm just glad to be your friend."

"Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond!" Connor was singing again.

"But not because we're gay..." Evan muttered, looking away from the screen.

"Speak for yourself, Hansen. I'm hella gay."

There was a bit of an awkward silence before the conversation was disrupted. Yet again. By Cynthia Murphy. Connor hung up the conversation on his side and, seconds later, there was a group open.

* * *

 

_**Conartist420:** my mom cant hear anything_   
_**Conartist420:** thats why im typing okay_

_**TICJaredK:** nobodys judging you_

_**Treefucker:** I'm still judging you Jared_

_**Conartist420:** whats with the handle_

_**Treefucker:** It's all Jared's fault_

_**TICJaredK:** why do you have friends in ohio_

_**Conartist420:** do i have to tell you kleinman_

_**TICJaredK:** im guessing were mostly done_   
_**TICJaredK:** now let me do my magic_

_**Conartist420:** evan_

_**Treefucker:** Connor_

_**Conartist420:** my mom wants you over for dinner next week_   
_**Conartist420:** after they release me that is_   
_**Conartist420:** you cool with that_

_**Treefucker:** Sure I guess_

_**Conartist420:** theres a nurse here_   
_**Conartist420:** her tag says hansen_

_**Treefucker:** Her name is Heidi, isn't it_

_**Conartist420:** im saying hi for you_

_**Treefucker:** No please don't_   
_**Treefucker:** I didn't tell her this whole thing_   
_**Treefucker:** She thinks we only talk because of Zoe_

_**TICJaredK:** say hi to her fo rme too_

_**Conartist420:** just did_   
_**Conartist420:** shes v nice_

_**Treefucker:** I'm doomed_

* * *

 

The best thing about getting to go home, in Connor's mind, was to see that Larry didn't take out his door. The next best thing was getting to isolate himself in his room and paint his nails while listening to In The Heights. He missed painting his nails. He felt like painting them pink.

Well, just because he felt like it doesn't mean he did it.

He did the second best thing he could do. Listen to In The Heights while reading The Little Prince. In French. But ignoring the world using books and showtunes only worked for a couple of days. He had to go downstairs to eat and to the bathroom, but for the rest of the time, he was locked in his room, avoiding everyone.

Larry didn't even yell at him to go to school. Which was… rather surprising. Or not, considering that he was just released from the hospital.

It was about five thirty on Tuesday of the next week when Zoe broke into his room. It was a particularly bad day, especially since Cynthia announced today when he woke up that he's going to have to see his therapist again, and he really wasn't up to dealing with Zoe at the moment. He shot her a glare.

"Not going to help you now," she sighed, glaring back. "Now, I know you're going to freak out, but –"

"What do you want, Zoe?"

"Evan's here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there will be a Requiem chapter, but it's not the next chapter. It's also a bit of a weird take on Requiem. But it will take a bit of time. I have it all planned and it doesn't happen for a good while.


	5. Chapter Four. It Doesn't Sound Like Connor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan shows Cynthia some emails, and Connor is going through so many emotions all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves, because this is going to be a long one.
> 
> Okay, so, angst time. The day I started writing this chapter – Sunday the 24th – I had an anxiety attack in the middle of work. I spent thirty minutes in the bathroom, and the whole thing lasted for about three hours. (Note, I am Israeli, the IDF rejected me for mental health reasons, so I am currently on my second of two years of voluntary service, and I volunteer at the same hospital my mom works in. And yes, I do go to school as I said, I take evening classes.) I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was twelve and have been getting CBT since about then, a bit later maybe, and I know for a fact that when I haven't seen my therapist in over a week I tend to freak out more over much smaller things. As of Sunday the 24th, I didn't get to see her for over a week, so the result is this. A lot of the things that are on Connor's mind in this chapter and in some of the following chapters are based on things I said to my friends and to my sixteen-years old sister – who was on a field trip with her AP chemistry class that day, mind you – as I was trying to calm myself in the bathroom for thirty minutes. So just keep in mind, the angst is real. These are real things that go through my mind, they're not only things that I'd imagine Connor is thinking.
> 
> Also, yes, 2015. I like thinking about dates for stuff but don't like doing the actual math for that, so BMC made the whole thing a whole lot easier for me, and here's why. BMC and Heathers found their way into this fanfic and I really want to imagine that the SQUIP Squad – and Michael – were born in 1999, based on the book's timeline (the book takes place in 2015, with the kids being juniors), so the DEH kids were born in 98 since I want to believe that they're a year older, so the whole Heathers thing happened a year before but no one died because, hey, Connor has a friend in Sherwood, Ohio. Has, not had. It all makes sense eventually. I don't want to confuse anyone too-too much right now.
> 
> Lastly, I am heavily projecting onto Connor in this chapter. I know that a lot of the things I wrote in this chapter are very unusual when it comes to writing Connor, but it's observation on my side.
> 
> Tl;dr, real-life angst and panic attacks, the BMC timeline means that this is in 2015, don't question it, and heavily projecting onto Connor.
> 
> Now enjoy. (I need to go to sleep. I'm going back to work tomorrow. Goddammit.)

_Notes for Dr. Lloyd: September 2015_

_I'm so scared._

_I failed again. I can't even kill myself right. I can't do anything right, so what am I even doing? I'm so fucking incompetent._

_I don't get why people still put up with me when it's obviously so much better for them if they just stopped. I don't get why Zoe still cares. She doesn't have to. I'm so fucked up. I ruined her life a million ways and she doesn't give a flying fuck._

_I hate making anyone deal with my mess. I hate myself because of that mess. I shouldn't even be alive now if not for fucking Zoe and her perfect fucking mind and how much she fucking cares despite not fucking having to give a fuck about me._

_Why am I still alive? Why does the world still want me alive?_

* * *

 

"I know you're going to freak out, but –"

"What do you want, Zoe?"

"Evan's here."

It took five seconds for Connor to run out of his room and accidentally shove Zoe onto the wall. He could hear Evan talking to Cynthia downstairs.

"These are just some of the emails."

Oh shit. They didn't talk about that…

"I mean, I can print out more!" Evan was stammering and Connor felt himself melt a bit inside. Part angry and part embarrassed. And part crushing. So bad. "I have a lot more! Connor and I email all the time!"

"It's…" Cynthia sighed loudly. "Difficult. To read these. It… doesn't sound like Connor."

"Yes it does sound like me!" Connor didn't even want to scream, but he did. It was probably the anger. "I wrote it, so why wouldn't it sound like me?!"

"Connor, are you eavesdropping?"

He went down the stairs, feeling himself heat up terribly. Evan was a tomato, clutching onto a bunch of papers. Cynthia held two more. "Well, I was getting out of the bathroom when I heard you answer the door, mom."

"H- hi, Connor…"

"Hi, Hansen."

"I'm sorry. I, um…" Evan looked down and started fidgeting. "Maybe I shouldn't have…"

"Hansen." Evan looked up. "Breathe. It's all okay. You just surprised me."

"I'm so sorry I just –"

"Evan! It's fine! You're fine!"

"Evan, honey, will you stay for dinner?" Cynthia was smiling. It even made Connor uncomfortable. Evan nodded shortly. "Great! How about you take him to your room, Connor? Until dinner."

After Cynthia disappeared into the kitchen, Evan shoved the pile of paper into Connor's hand. He was still bright red. Connor found that adorable.

Then again, he finds everything Evan does adorable.

"So, we have two options right now." Connor took a deep breath. "I could make us tea and then we can watch something stupid on Netflix in the living room, so you won't have to talk, or I could make us tea and we'll go to my room. But then you have to talk."

"Is the tea, um… is it necessary?"

"You could use a cup of tea in my opinion. I don't have chamomile, I don't like chamomile tea, if you're wondering, but I have some other stuff." Evan looked at Connor like something was seriously wrong with him. It was a strange look, Connor had to admit. "Yes, I know. I'm being nice. Is it such a hard thing to imagine?"

"You- You're not, um, you're not high, are you…?"

"I just spent a week reading books and listening to music and doing pretty much nothing else. I feel fine. I haven't even taken any Ritalin lately."

"…you take Ritalin?"

"ADHD diagnosis at twelve, depression at thirteen, borderline personality at fifteen. Does this explanation satisfy you, Hansen?" Evan looked down again. Connor groaned and started pacing. "So, my room or the living room? We don't have much time for this, Hansen, and we have a lot to talk about."

"Your- um, your room."

"Great. Do you want to wait for me in my room or wait until I made you tea?"

"I don't really, um… Idontreallydrinktea."

"Can you repeat that?"

"I don't really drink tea…"

"It's okay, there are alternatives. Hot chocolate?" Evan nodded shortly. "Okay, so that's that. Just… I don't know, go sit down or something."

So Evan did.

* * *

 

"You- you said we need to, um, we need to talk."

Evan was aware of the fact that he was being very awkward, but Connor's room was… really something. He thought it'd be more of a mess. That it would reek of pot. Other than clothes thrown all over the place, it was more organized than Evan thought it would be. The most surprising thing, though, were the books.

Connor had two bookshelves, one already full. Connor said that he organized it both alphabetically and by series. Evan felt stupid for assuming that Connor didn't have the patience to do that.

"Why did you just come here?" Evan flinched in the corner. "I'm not- oh shit. Okay, this is how you ruin contact with people and it's not okay. What I meant is, why did you come here unannounced?"

"I just, um –"

"I know this is no excuse but I didn't mean to take your letter from you, and I certainly didn't mean to react the way I did. It's just that I like reading things, it's an automatic thing I do when I'm bored, I read everything, even if it's the ingredients list on a cereal box. I can lie down here and just stare at my bookcase and read the names of the books and I won't even think about opening one. And I just –"

"Jared has ADHD too." Evan didn't mean to blurt that. "He once said that he lucked out on not being an excessive talker."

"Yeah, well, I don't believe Kleinman's not an excessive talker."

"But you are. I mean… right?"

"My therapist says so, so yeah. I am. Is that a bad thing?" Evan quickly shook his head. "I'm nine out of nine in inattentive and four out of nine in H/I, so technically I have ADD, but no one calls it that anymore…"

"I, um, I had no idea that's how it, um…"

"It's fine. Again. But this is not what I have to talk to you about and I can't remember what I wanted to talk to you about other than the letter and why you came here unannounced!" Connor turned to focus on his tea again. "I'm not usually like this when I'm high. Or on Ritalin."

"I came here because, um, well, the emails –"

"Yes, the emails. But why unannounced? For the millionth time, for fuck's sake, Hansen!"

"IwouldvesaidsomethingifIhadyournumberbutZoewontgiveittomesoIcouldntandnowIfeelverystupidand-"

"I can't understand a word and you've just seen my talking abilities."

"I would've told you if I had your number but Zoe wouldn't give me your number so now I feel very stupid and –"

"So you could've told Zoe that you were coming, if you have her number!"

"Yeah, that was, um, that was stupid decision-making."

"Give me your phone." Connor put his tea on the nightstand and held out his hand. Evan hesitated for a second, before unlocking his phone and giving it to the long-haired boy, who went at it right away. A couple of seconds later and Evan was given his phone back. "Text me, so I'll have your number too."

"Um, okay, um…"

"My mom said that you said we broke into the orchard in May." Connor had this weird look on his face. Evan felt overly self-conscious. "What went through your fucking mind that you said that?"

"I don't, I mean, I really –"

"It was a nice place, that orchard. I mean, it was one of the few times I wasn't mad at Larry. Even though he crashed our airplane into the lake. Zoe was furious, though. I don't think I've ever seen a six-year old more furious at anyone than Zoe was at Larry at that moment."

"I just, um, they already thought that we, um, that we were friends, and –"

"I got that already."

"And then, um, Zoe and your mom started fighting over something, I think it was about you having good times, and, um, I just said it."

"Is there a full story or is it just the breaking into Autumn Smile thing?"

"I, I told them that we went out to have ice cream before, um –"

"So now I have to take you to A La Mode, don't I." Evan nodded. "God fucking damnit. Did my mom ask you about my rehab too?" Evan nodded again. "Fuck!"

"I didn't- I didn't say anything!"

"Good! And you shouldn't!" Evan flinched in the corner. There was a moment of silence. "If you don't want them to suspect you, don't say anything! Did you know that if you're a minor, psychiatrists and psychologists are obligated to tell your parents or legal guardians about your progress in therapy?" The way Connor said that made Evan terrified, for several reasons. "So they know everything. And don't get me wrong, they know I hated it. I made some friends there, sure, but everything else was terrible." Another moment of silence. "You'd think people would have more respect for others, but apparently if you're a guy you're not allowed to practice dancing or do vocal warm-ups. Just… fuck humanity."

_Oh god. Oh fucking god. Another word and he's going to be pissed. And then he'll tell you to get out, and you'll have to because what if he'll hit you if you don't, and then you won't be able to be at dinner and Cynthia will be disappointed and –_

_– And it would be so bad, and not because of dinner, but because Connor is kind of awesome. So far, from what you know about him, he's kind of awesome. And he may not have the best reputation but if you're lonely and he's lonely, or, well, you guess he's lonely, then you should stick together, right? So neither of you would be lonely. And he could tell you about his favorite books, and you could tell him about trees, and things just wouldn't be so bad anymore, right? Right…?_

"Your hot chocolate's getting cold." _Oh yeah._

* * *

 

**_TO: Mom_ **

_I'm staying over at zoes for dinner_

_her mom asked me to stay for dinner_

_That's great, sweetie!_

_just wanted you to know_

_so you wont be worried_

_I'm not worried, Evan_

_Have fun! Call me when you get home_

_I love you mom_

_I love you too_

* * *

 

Dinner was, as usual, a disaster. Zoe hated family dinners. It was Cynthia's way of playing pretend. Grandpa Ed always said that pretending doesn't necessarily mean something is broken, but in Cynthia's case, it meant she was trying to mend something that is already broken beyond repair.

Zoe just wondered what Grandpa would have to say about that the next time she and Connor went to visit them in Michigan. Or, more importantly, what Grandma might have to say about what Grandpa would have to say.

After Evan left, Zoe went to Connor's room. She waited for him to get out of the shower. They had to talk about some things and she figured he'd feel better if they talked about it where he feels more comfortable opening up. Her therapist said so. She didn't tell him about it, but since he was sent to rehab, she started going to therapy for the sake of dealing with him. She knew he'd say something about it, probably that she should stop, but she really wanted to help. She wanted to be there for him. As terrifying as her brother was, she refused to do anything but be there for him. Because he was her brother, and that was reason enough to stick by.

Dinner was relatively uneventful, if not for Cynthia's sad attempt at bringing the family closer together. The strangest thing that happened was that Connor was actually being responsive. Sure, it was mostly to things Evan said, but he was responding to someone instead of just cussing at everyone or losing focus at all. Zoe remembered the one time when she was ten and he was eleven and he told her that he sometimes doesn't answer to other people because he has a lot of voices, a lot of thoughts in his head, and it made it difficult to focus. She never understood what thoughts went through his head, but she knows that they're brilliant. Confusing but brilliant, are what his friends call it.

"Did Connor tell you about his rehab, Evan?" Cynthia asked, in her cheery voice. It was slowly becoming obvious that she was getting tired of it.

Evan didn't even get to say a word before Connor jumped in. "I wasn't allowed to tell him too much detail about rehab," he said. "But we emailed a lot."

Zoe thought this was a smart save.

"What are you doing in my room, Zoe?"

Connor, in all his naked and covered with a towel glory, was going through his closet. Zoe quickly moved away, to avoid the flying tank top and flannel pants that she knew were coming.

"I wanted to talk to you. And it's very important that we talk."

"So talk."

As Connor was looking through his underwear drawer, Zoe cleared her throat. "You like Evan, don't you?" Connor turned to glare at Zoe, his chosen boxers flailing in his hands.

"It doesn't matter though, now does it?" His glare didn't go away as he was getting dressed. "He likes you. He'll never like me like that."

"You've liked him since first grade."

"Yeah, so?"

"Connie, it's obvious that he likes you too." Connor rolled his eyes. Zoe knew she was the only one allowed to call him that, but she couldn't help but wonder if he'd allow Evan to call him that too.

"Not. Like. That."

"So what if it's not like that? Those things take time!"

"He's probably not even gay!"

"Because only gay men are attracted to other men, right, Connor?! He could be bi, or pan, you don't know!" Connor started turning red. "And besides, he likes you. Even if he is straight, the important thing is that he feels comfortable enough being around you. Didn't you notice it?"

"Notice what?" Zoe moved a bit on the bed, fully intending on having him sit next to her. When he sat down, he kept a bit of distance.

"Example one, during dinner Evan was smiling. And talking. Mostly with you."

"What does that have to do with everything?"

"You two were bantering like an old married couple. No, worse. Like Grandma Susie and Grandpa Ed's debates on the ethics of Asimov's laws of robotics."

"Your point is?"

"Example two, he was the reason I looked for you in the first place." Zoe could feel Connor getting so mad. "Don't get mad at me. You have to understand that before he came to me and asked me to help him find you, I had no idea what was going on."

"Yeah right."

"Will you listen to me?"

"You never bothered to look for me! Not even once!"

"I always did! You were just either too high or too pissed to notice that I was there! I send you a ton of messages every time, do you even bother reading them?!" Zoe knew she was making a mistake. But it was so hard to stop now.

"Why do you even care about me, Zoe?! I'm so fucked up! And you don't even give a fuck!"

"Because you're my brother –"

"I tried to punch through your door and threatened to kill you! Several times!"

"You're still my brother and I love you no matter how much shit you're going through, because unlike what Larry thinks, your problems are valid!"

"Oh, don't give me that fucking tumblr shit –"

"Connor, I have a therapist too. I want to understand what you're going through so I can help. This is not tumblr shit. This is growing up with you and knowing you my whole life and I know that you have good days, your good days are honestly amazing, but you also have bad days and those days make me so scared of you."

"So why do you stick to me?"

"Because your good days are worth it."

Larry's screams could be heard from downstairs. Connor got up to close the door, that was left open by accident. He was still so angry. "I just… I don't know what to do. I really like Evan."

"I like someone too, you know. We could help each other. We do know each other best."

"Will you tell me who you like?"

"Sure." Zoe felt her throat contracting. "Alana Beck," she choked.

Whatever tears that were going to fall from Connor's eyes were immediately replaced with a smirk and a laugh. "Alana Beck, as in I-don't-have-friends-I-have-acquaintances Alana Beck?"

"Don't laugh at me."

"Oh, this is good!"

"Connor, don't –"

"My baby sister has a crush on the most annoying girl in my year! This is priceless!"

"I'm only a year and eight months younger than you, I'm not that much younger –"

"How do you even ask someone like her on a date?"

"I don't know, how do you ask someone like Evan Hansen on a date?"

"…no playing dirty, Zo." Zoe started laughing herself. "So, how's Richard doing?"

"I don't know, really. Evil Kermit is still giving him hell."

"I still don't understand what Evil Kermit is supposed to mean."

"Neither do I, but you know, so long as it makes sense to him."

"Do you want to watch something before going to sleep? I want to start watching Lilyhammer, if you're up to it."

"It's that Norwegian show, isn't it?"

"You can go shower now and then we'll make it a sleepover."

"I missed having sleepovers."

"Me too."

When Cynthia went into Connor's room to check up on him later, she saw Zoe and Connor trying not to fall asleep watching a show on Netflix. And she let them be. Seeing them get along like that was part relieving and part nostalgic.

She could only hope for that to happen more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Zoe and Rich's friendship is... a weird decision. But a lovely one, that will be explored further later. I promise. The way those two talk to each other is rather hilarious in my opinion.
> 
> Still need to go to sleep. Darn it. Oh well... such is life.
> 
> Next day edit (October 1st): Umm... 100 kudos and over 1200 hits. Yeah. Wow. Thanks, you guys! You seriously don't know how much this means to me. I don't upload almost any of the fanfics and general stories that I write, and this much... love? Support? Whatever it is, it means a lot to see this level of love and support and whatever it is for one story. I'm not generally very confident about the stuff that I write, so seeing this is really great. And it really keeps me going. So thanks. I mean it. (And not to be that pushy person, comments keep me going too...)


	6. This is not a chapter (author’s note)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an explanation for some things that I feel should be cleared up. It’ll go down when I have the next chapter ready to upload. But please read this.

* this was written on my phone, so... yeah. Sorry.

 

I am aware that I’m making Connor quite OOC, at least starting the fourth/fifth chapter (depending how you count). The thing is, you see, I live the angst every day. I refuse to make any of my babies, be they fictional characters or my own OCs, suffer the way I do. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was twelve, I do CBT and I’m supposed to take Ritalin. But it makes me numb, and it makes me sad, and I don’t like that.

Since there’s very little that is known about Connor, I project quite a bit and take a lot of creative liberties. Such as giving him ADHD, since it wouldn’t make much of a difference. ADHD usually comes with other mental disorders such as the Connor-typical depression and, less commonly, BPD. My therapist explained BPD to me and the extremities of this disorder, and I think that as far as his anger goes, it could be frustration. Larry tried and gave up, wouldn’t that make you mad? It would make me mad. Add to that the numbness of it all. Ritalin makes you numb. Pot makes you numb. This feeling is frustrating, and I think that especially to highly emotional people, so it only makes sense he’ll be this kind of person. He’s numb, and he’s angry about it, so he’ll get it out. He’s aware of the consequences, he doesn’t like them, but at that moment, he doesn’t really care for anything because he can’t fully comprehend his actions.

Bottom line is, there is angst. You want it, you’ll get it. But my angst is rather unconventional and includes a lot of creative liberties where it comes to Connor.

On another note, I am extremely not confident and uncomfortable posting my fanfiction and general fiction. I’ve been writing for over ten years (I’m almost twenty and I never really knew I liked writing until I was eight, so there’s that) and the first story I ever wrote was met with severe criticism and was so ridiculed it made me uncomfortable. My friends did that. I shared it with my friends and they laughed at me. I guess such things stick to you forever. With this being said, the numbers of people who read this fic and like it are incredible, they’re higher than I ever got, and everything - including the comments, especially the comments - keeps me going. I guess I’m just addicted to validation...? Be it so or not, it makes me feel like a part of the community and I like feeling like a part of the community. So I wanted to thank you for the support. It encourages me to keep writing, to keep the stories in my head running, and it’s just great. So thanks. I love y’all. I mean it.

 

With this ends my rant. Thanks to everyone who made it this far, I apologize for this rant, and I’ll see you next chapter. Where Rich Goranski makes an entrance.


	7. Chapter Five. Crushing On The Wrong Murphy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where there's lots of texting, the real reason snakes don't have arms and Rich Goranski makes an entrance! Not necessarily in that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author regrets nothing.
> 
> I have to say, thanks a lot for the support. This story is one of very few that I actually feel comfortable writing, for a very weird reason. And all the love this story is getting is just really amazing.
> 
> The story behind Zoe and Rich's friendship is a lovely one that I'm trying to write as its own short story, and so far that story doesn't really move anywhere because I don't have the time. I just got a free week from work and school starting Sunday (it's a holiday and Icon is happening, which is the Israeli comicon, and I'm just overly excited for Icon), and I've been home sick since Tuesday, so I hope I'll get more time to write both this story and Zoe and Rich's joined backstory. But it might also not happen since I won't have the time thanks to Icon. Still overly excited. It's going to be so much fun. I actually told my friends to scream "that guy from our school Jared Kleinman" if they see me and I can't see them so that I'll know they're there.
> 
> Enough about the con. Last night I actually looked up why snakes don't have legs. This is the actual, scientific reason. And my friends will vouch for me that I tend to text them at crazy hours. I don't sleep very well and sometimes even wake up several times during the night because I dreamed about something and forgot a detail so I either have to go to a conversation I had with my friends or look it up online. Add to that that my mom wakes me up at six am every day to go to work, and... yeah. My situation isn't all that great. This chapter too has things I have experienced personally.
> 
> And now that I rambled enough, enjoy! I certainly hope you do, there's just a ton of dialogue and I feel like some of it might make people confused.

_**Goranthki:** zoe I'm so fucked_

_**Zoemurph:** wherefore art thou so fucked, richard?_

_**Goranthki:** no_  
_**Goranthki:** you don't understand_  
_**Goranthki:** I_  
_**Goranthki:** am_  
_**Goranthki:** so_  
_**Goranthki:** fucked_

_**Zoemurph:** maybe if you explained it to me I could help_

_**Goranthki:** so today I made someone really nice make the same stupid mistake that I made_

_**Zoemurph:** what someone really nice_

_**Goranthki:** jeremy heere_

_**Zoemurph:** as in the kid you used to have a crush on in kindergarten_

_**Goranthki:** there's only one jeremy heere in my life you know_  
_**Goranthki:** zoe_  
_**Goranthki:** my love_  
_**Goranthki:** I'm so fucked_  
_**Goranthki:** he doesn't deserve an evil Kermit_  
_**Goranthki:** he's like a literal ray of sunshine_

 _ **Zoemurph:** rich_  
_**Zoemurph:** babe_  
_**Zoemurph:** take a deep breath (or seven)_  
_**Zoemurph:** in four hold four out four hold_  
_**Zoemurph:** find some candy (believe me it helps)_

 _ **Goranthki:** I have no candy_  
_**Goranthki:** no wait_  
_**Goranthki:** I have fruit snacks_

 _ **Zoemurph:** I don't have fruit snacks_  
_**Zoemurph:** connor ate them_

_**Goranthki:** doesn't he not like fruit snacks_

_**Zoemurph:** that was such a weird sentence omfg_  
_**Zoemurph:** and no_  
_**Zoemurph:** he just likes jelly beans more_

 _ **Goranthki:** sorry mom_  
_**Goranthki:** im doing breathing exercises and eating fruit snacks_  
_**Goranthki:** strictly to annoy you_

_**Zoemurph:** asshole_

_**Goranthki:** what now?_

_**Zoemurph:** let's go through what happened together_

_**Goranthki:** you're not my mom_

_**Zoemurph:** well, I'm trying to help, so would you please listen to me?_

_**Goranthki:** okay mom_  
_**Goranthki:** so get ready for the story of the century_

_**Zoemurph:** I'm listening_

_**Goranthki:** remember I told you about jake dillinger?_

_**Zoemurph:** mr perfect jake dillinger?_

_**Goranthki:** the one_  
_**Goranthki:** so anywhoo_  
_**Goranthki:** we went to play rehearsal today_  
_**Goranthki:** because of this girl he likes_

_**Zoemurph:** aren't you jealous, my sweet little jelly bean_

_**Goranthki:** shut up murphy_  
_**Goranthki:** so we go to rehearsal and there is jeremy_

_**Zoemurph:** I figured it out after you mentioned the rehearsal_

_**Goranthki:** yeah yeah just listen_  
_**Goranthki:** so evil Kermit made me do something really stupid earlier today_  
_**Goranthki:** he made me vandalize jeremy's bag because he's a douche_  
_**Goranthki:** so after rehearsal I went to see jeremy in the bathroom_  
_**Goranthki:** long story short_  
_**Goranthki:** we had a weird convo about some stuff_  
_**Goranthki:** and then I sold him a squip_

_**Zoemurph:** what is a squip_

_**Goranthki:** a squip is my evil Kermit_

_**Zoemurph:** okay cool keep going_

_**Goranthki:** so this Monday I'm going to be selling him something he doesn't really need_  
_**Goranthki:** well I mean he needs it_  
_**Goranthki:** I heard him jacking off in the bathroom one day last year and there's no way I'm telling him I heard him_  
_**Goranthki:** poor guy needs to lose it asap_

_**Zoemurph:** hey babe remember when you lost yours and then called me at two in the morning to tell me all about it_

_**Goranthki:** I will kill you in your sleep_

_**Zoemurph:** come on it was adorable_

_**Goranthki:** so he obviously needs it but he's so cute and lovely he's a literal human jelly bean you know_  
_**Goranthki:** I just don't want him to hurt_

_**Zoemurph:** rich goranski, you are the sweetest person I know_

_**Goranthki:** oh stop it you_

_**Zoemurph:** I know you don't want to hurt anyone_  
_**Zoemurph:** at least not deliberately_

_**Goranthki:** is it bad that I ship two people who go to school with me even though I used to have a crush on one of them when we were five_

_**Zoemurph:** is it bad that I ship my brother with his currently only friend from school_  
_**Zoemurph:** I mean they're so oblivious and terribly pining_  
_**Zoemurph:** it's driving me mad_

 _ **Goranthki:** I literally wrote boyfriends on their bags_  
_**Goranthki:** I'm a real life tumblr fanboy_

 _ **Zoemurph:** ooooooohhhh you adorable bean you_  
_**Zoemurph:** I spent last night having a sleepover with connor_  
_**Zoemurph:** we finally watched lilyhammer_

_**Goranthki:** should I watch it?_

_**Zoemurph:** whatever you feel like, babe_  
_**Zoemurph:** it's Norwegian crime_

 _ **Goranthki:** ofc its crime_  
_**Goranthki:** you let connor choose didnt you_

 _ **Zoemurph:** I personally think the first episode is hilarious_  
_**Zoemurph:** we fell asleep somewhere in the middle of the third episode_

 _ **Goranthki:** zo_  
_**Goranthki:** I really miss you_

_**Zoemurph:** I really miss you too rich_

_**Goranthki:** come to red bank?_

_**Zoemurph:** come to Rochester?_

_**Goranthki:** nine hours on a train…?_

_**Zoemurph:** you can come over on a weekend_

_**Goranthki:** I'd really rather not_  
_**Goranthki:** I don't want you to see my evil Kermit_

 _ **Zoemurph:** can't you deactivate him?_  
_**Zoemurph:** you said you deactivate him to talk to me_

_**Goranthki:** it's really temp_

_**Zoemurph:** well I miss you very much_

_**Goranthki:** I miss you too_

_**Zoemurph:** first class tomorrow is French_  
_**Zoemurph:** I hate French_  
_**Zoemurph:** I hate that teacher_

_**Goranthki:** first class tomorrow is world history_

_**Zoemurph:** you like world history_

_**Goranthki:** I think ill stay home and cry over ruining jeremy's life_

_**Zoemurph:** he's still a pure little virgin he isn't ruined yet_

_**Goranthki:** fuck I gotsto go_

_**Zoemurph:** say hi to your mom from me_

_**Goranthki:** night zo_

_**Zoemurph:** night rich_

* * *

_**TO: Treeboy** _

_evan_

_evan hansen_

_mind talking to me?_

_its eleven thirty_

_and that matters because…_

_im supposed to go to sleep_

_who goes to sleep at 1130pm_

_normal people…_

_was that shade hansen_

_are you really capable of throwing shade_

_or is it kleinman_

_sorry_

_anyway_

_let's play 20 questions_

_why do you want to play 20 questions?_

_excuse me if im mistaken but_

_am I the one who said were friends_

_or was it you?_

_my point exactly_

_you should start_

_im not very good at asking questions_

_alrighty_

_let's make a rule that every question asked_

_should be answered by the asker (?)_

_as well_

_okay?_

_sure_

_first question_

_what is your middle name_

_if you have one_

_that is kind of lame_

_its either that or asking about your sex life_

_this is all there is on my mind rn_

_im dead serious_

_connor_

_I really want to go to sleep_

_well im sorry_

_just give me like_

_three questions_

_then im off your case_

_until tomorrow_

_Daniel_

_James_

_your turn_

_what question did you want to ask about my sex life_

_this is illegitimate for this game_

_we said were asking questions that we can answer ourselves too_

_this wasn't the question I wanted to ask_

_I just want to know_

_doesnt matter_

_just ask your fucking question_

_okay_

_what's your favorite subject at school?_

_you don't have to explain yourself_

_im gonna have to go with english_

_technically I cant say drama_

_but it is a subject_

_I was banned from the drama club in 10th grade_

_just in case you don't remember_

_I was absent for most of that year_

_are they even allowed to do that?_

_idek_

_ive been doing theater for a while now_

_im going to keep acting and writing for the theater_

_its not like being banned from a club is going to change that_

_like community theater?_

_that too, yeah_

_but now you have to answer yourself_

_biology_

_I like trees_

_I think I got that with the emails_

_how did you start?_

_I wanted to learn to dance?_

_idk_

_I don't remember tbch_

_it started with tap dancing_

_what's your favorite movies?_

_yes_

_movies as in the plural of movie_

_I watch a lot of documentaries_

_not necessarily just about nature_

_I watched a lot of morgan spurlock documentaries over the summer_

_the supersize me guy_

_he made other documentaries too…_

_I binged his 7 deadly sins series in less than a week_

_its horrifying_

_thnx for letting me know_

_now I won't watch it_

_I really like Tarantino and Disney movies_

_it's a very weird mix ik_

_it's okay_

_I like Disney too_

_well, I need to go to sleep now_

_no!_

_three more!_

_but you said three questions_

_three questions *each_

_I really cant_

_sorry_

_goodnight connor_

_night hansen_

* * *

_**TO: Itszoe** _

_[Sent 2:09 am]_

_yo zoe_

_why don't snakes have arms?_

_so help me god_

_connor_

_go to sleep_

_it's two am_

_nono im serious_

_you know how every animal has legs_

_and we have arms and hands too_

_like apes_

_and some other mammals_

_do other mammals have hands?_

_nvm thats stupid_

_well I mean_

_bats have hands_

_I think_

_no they don't_

_overactive false memories_

_but like_

_everything has legs_

_and some mammals have hands too_

_and birds have wings_

_and fish don't have legs but they have fins_

_which are kind of like legs_

_but for water_

_and bugs have both wings *and* legs_

_and lizards have legs_

_and sometimes wings_

_can lizards fly?_

_connor I swear ill come to your room and kill you_

_connor_

_connie_

_is everything okay_

_did you finally fall asleep_

_i can see you're still typing_

_coming in to check on you_

_so I just checked_

_theres this genus of lizards_

_called draco_

_like Malfoy_

_that can fly_

_in the same way that sugar gliders can fly you know_

_so yeah_

_some lizards can fly_

_seriously connor_

_I want to sleep_

_sorry_

_but it's a serious thing_

_we'll talk about it in the morning_

_technically we can't talk about it in the morning_

_technically im currently losing sleep_

_and if you don't stop messaging me rn_

_im going to kill you_

_and I mean it_

_imma go get cereal and ask myself some weird questions_

_like what's wrong with megaman_

_did you know that megaman violates like_

_all laws of robotics_

_even law zero_

_like_

_do not finish the milk_

_I think dr light is just an asshole_

_grandpa would agree with me_

_im gonna ask him that right now!_

_I repeat_

_do_

_not_

_finish_

_the_

_milk_

_why is the milk so important to you_

_its just milk_

_you don't drink coffee so you won't get it_

_I do drink coffee_

_you haven't since you left the hospital_

_even before that_

_prep for amda auditions_

_michigan auditions_

_whatever auditions_

_can't have coffee_

_because milk_

_because milk_

_so why not coconut milk_

_it tastes weird and it curdles_

_you're weird_

_also trying to avoid caffeine_

_to an extent_

_I know tea has caffeine_

_I know how to choose my tea based on caffeine_

_connie_

_zo_

_good night_

_enjoy your cereal_

_night_

_I will_

_[Sent 2:57 am]_

_I just found out why snakes don't have arms_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a weird day, and here's why._

_Today Connor comes back to school. Yes, Connor Murphy is still a bit scary, but not so much anymore. It's easy to be afraid of someone based on rumors when you don't know that person very well. But now you know him a bit better. You know he likes to talk, he likes theater and wants to be an actor, he likes reading. He doesn't like skiing. You've made that mistake before._

_The reason this day is going to be weird is that there's the possible slight little baby chance that you're crushing on both Murphys. On one hand there's Zoe, who you like since middle school and is sweet and kind and a very good friend, let's admit it. And on the other hand there's Connor. He's very nice too, and he cares. Which adds points to him. He talks a lot, but never down to you. And he's so pretty._

_Both Murphys are pretty, so it's stupid to say that only Connor is. But you've written enough about the way Zoe's hair can seem blonde under the sun and how uniquely gray-green her eyes are. Connor is different than her. His hair looks so soft, it must be so nice to touch it. You should probably braid it once. Zoe said she does that a lot. And his eyes are unique too. Just the perfect shade of blue, and then there's that speck of brown in his right eye, which makes it all that much more special. You don't know anyone with eyes like that, so that's a thing. When he laughs his nose crinkles in a really adorable way. Zoe's does too, but Connor squints and it makes him look like an angel._

_Oh god. I think I'm crushing on the wrong Murphy._

* * *

 

"So why don't snakes have arms?" Connor raised his eyes from the map to look at Zoe. He barely slept last night, only falling asleep at about three thirty, and he didn't feel good enough to answer her. "You said you found out why."

"Found out what?"

"None of your business, mom –"

"Connor texted me at two a.m. to ask me why snakes don't have arms."

"Well, snakes actually used to have legs. Turns out that there's a gene called Sonic hedgehog, which if you ask me is a really stupid name for a gene, but it's responsible for limb development in embryos. And scientists found it in pythons, and apparently pythons have evidence of growing limbs in their bodies, it looks like tiny little spikes. So snakes can have legs, but they evolved into not having legs."

"Wow, that's depressing."

"I know. It's even sadder than the question."

"Connor, sweetie, this isn't good for you." Cynthia finally sat down when Connor got up to the kitchen. "Where are you going?"

"Where did you put the earl gray?"

"It's in the same place it always is. Sweetheart, you can't substitute caffeine for sleep."

"You think I don't –"

"Dr. Lloyd will be very disappointed –"

"You think I don't know that?!" Connor was going to throw his mug on the floor. He wanted it to shatter. It was his first day back at school and he wanted everything to shatter.

"Con, do you want me to braid your hair?"

He took a deep breath. _Let Zoe braid your hair. It's relaxing. Mom can make your tea if you feel like shattering a glass. You can't break anything. You can't do more damage than you already have. It's your first day back at school, you're going to hang out with Evan the whole day, you can't freak out like that. Go back and let Zoe braid your hair._

"Come on, Connor." Zoe didn't sound angry. "It's going to be fine."

"Fine. Mom, can you make me tea?" Cynthia looked at Connor with pity in her eyes. _No, not pity. Worry. She's your mom. She cares about you._ "I really feel like breaking something."

"Of course, honey. Do you want to take your Ritalin today?" Connor shook his head as he sat down next to Zoe, turning his back to her. "Why not?"

"I don't like taking it."

"It might help to keep you awake. You haven't slept tonight. You said it."

"I don't want to end the day screaming at everyone and threatening to kill Zoe again."

 When Larry finally joined everyone at breakfast, Connor's hair was already put in a fishtail braid and laying on his shoulder. He was back to staring at the map.

"If I'm being honest," Zoe muttered, "I think September 24th is a good date to go back to school, considering."

"I told you it feels stupid."

"It's not stupid if you spent a week in the hospital and the school is aware."

"That fucking Ms. Rogers is going to call me back and talk to be about suicide and how everyone's there for me and I just need to ask for help and all that fucking bullshit and I don't want that to happen." He took a long sip from his tea. "I'm sick of that bitch, I'm sick of this school, and I'm still not sure about whether Michigan or the AMDA and which is the better choice."

"In Michigan you can live with grandma and grandpa."

"That's a perk, but auditions require a dance routine. All the more work for me, you know."

"What about Grace?"

"She's auditioning to Tisch. I don't think I want to go there, too… you get what I'm getting at, don't you?"

"Too overrated?"

"Not exactly. But close enough."

"Larry, can you please drive the kids to school today?" Cynthia took away Larry's phone. "Connor only had three hours of sleep."

"Dr. Lloyd will be very disappointed that it happened, Connor."

"Fuck you, Larry."

"Connor! Stop it!"

"No! I know why he's saying it!"

"He's saying it because it's true."

"He's not you, mom, he has his reasons to say –"

"Connor, do you want to leave right now?" Zoe knew she saved the conversation. Connor knew she knew she saved the conversation. He nodded and finished his tea. "I think Connor can drive to school."

"I'd really rather he didn't, Zoe."

"Thanks for your concern, mom, but I can drive ten minutes." Zoe got up and grabbed her bag. "See you whenever."

"Have a good day, kids…"

Cynthia certainly sounded disappointed. Connor didn't want to comment on that.

* * *

 

_Changing the topic, Paul and Jeremy are coming over for the weekend. Which is good. Jeremy might be a good person to talk about this to._

_Jeremy called yesterday to talk about something weird that happened to him. Something about a guy at his school trying to sell him something that sounds like it's from a video game… It's best not to think about it in the morning._

_Let's just hope today won't be so bad._

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,  
Me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Jeremy will make an appearance too. Which is awesome. I like Jeremy. He's adorable. Then again, I don't think I've seen anyone who hates Jeremy so far, so I'm not special.
> 
> And if anyone's interested now, Morgan Spurlock's series about the seven deadly sins is really weird and, at times, disturbing. This guy is really weird. Watch at your own discretion.


	8. Chapter Six. If That’s Not A Rom-Com.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared is being an annoying, interrupting asshole. As usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told, I wrote about two thirds of this chapter before Icon, and then had a writer's block.
> 
> On the first day I met a lovely new person. I've been plugging this fanfic to a friend I met last year, and she's been plugging it to everyone else apparently, so by the time I met this new person there was the possibility that this friend had already sent her the fanfic. On the third day, we met again, this time at a bit of a weird situation. There was a fandom circle of sorts in the back and everyone was singing Hamilton and having fun and all that (that friend I met last year says everyone could hear us singing three floors above ground through blankets that were placed there for noise blocking), and I just had so much fun with those guys, and then I just stuck to that girl I met on the first day. (Should be important to mention that there was a BMC cast, and I pretty much attached myself to Rich and the squip and the boyfs simply because they were there the longest and also kind of the nicest, and also this incredibly nice guy who cosplayed Evan and with most luck will now be a part of a plan of mine to cosplay Connor and have someone cosplay Jared and just do sincerely three for at least one day, if not both days, at the next con.) We talked about the fanfic, DEH in general, musical theater, TV, Excited and Scared (my HP fanfic), a Hogwarts AU Silicon Valley fanfic, and eventually... things happened. So, long story short, now this girl is my new wife and we're roleplaying as Connor and Jared. (She's the one I want to have cosplay Jared. She's awesome and I like her so much so far.)
> 
> Should be noted that a major part of the next chapter (and an upcoming oneshot series) is based on this roleplay, and I was given approval to use it and share it with the world. It's just too funny not to share.
> 
> Other than that, the next chapter will take time. I'm still stuck with that writer's block. It's driving me crazy and even more paranoid than I usually am (and believe me, I am).

"It's your turn to ask a question."

Connor silently thanked whatever nonexistent god he could think of at the moment that he and Evan had a free period at the same time on Thursdays. They were sitting outside on the grass, Connor debating whether it was appropriate to roll a joint or not, Evan leaning against a tree and doodling with his finger over his cast. Things were quiet around them. Evan definitely seemed to be comfortable, which made Connor feel good himself.

"Okay, um… what do you do when, um, when you're bored?"

"Really, Hansen?"

"It's a question."

"I do the splits while binge-watching any random series I feel like at the moment and painting my nails." Evan gave Connor a weird look. "I'm serious. I can do the splits. I've been doing ballet since I was seven or something like that."

"I, um, I don't- I don't really do, um, anything."

"I'll bet you do something. Do you read? Watch TV? Do the fucking dishes? Everyone does something."

"I don't really, um, I just… I don't really have anything to do."

"I'll tell you what. From now on, when you're bored, start an argument with me. I promise I won't be offended. My grandparents have been doing this for years. It's intellectually intriguing, as my grandma puts it."

"An argument about what?"

"I don't know, the logics of life after death? I would argue with you about the laws of robotics but I know too much about those and every possible loophole and I'm not sure you've ever read anything by Isaac Asimov."

"Who?"

"My point exactly. You can even send me tree facts if it keeps you from getting bored. I'd like it." Connor put his head on Evan's shoulder, adjusting his sunglasses. "By the way, what's your stand on the subject of life after death? And please elaborate. This is part because I'm interested and part because of the game."

"Um, okay, I just… I never, um, I never really thought about it?" Evan started fidgeting with his shirt. He didn't mind Connor's head on his shoulder. It felt nice. He couldn't explain it. "I just, um, I think it's up for, um, I think it's up for personal, um… I don't think there is very much after death, but, um, you know, you can't fully- you can't fully dismiss the possibility that, that there is life after death."

"Well, I don't believe in life after death. I actually have this weird theory about life. Ever heard of Dead Like Me?" Evan nodded. "So you know how the reaper cycle goes." Evan nodded again. "So I think it's kind of like this. You are born with a purpose, you don't know what your purpose is until you have fulfilled it, and you'd only know you fulfilled it after you're dead. The only thing is that unlike Dead Like Me, I think souls who have fulfilled their purpose get to be reborn."

"But you said everyone fulfills theirs before they die."

"It's a bit more complicated than that."

"Well, are you, um, are you religious?"

"Is that for the game?"

"Yeah…?"

"No. Is it because of the reincarnation thing?" Connor smiled. It looked somewhat sinister, in Evan's mind. "Zoe pretty much outed me to our entire church when I was seven because of a crush I had on a boy in my class. It took about six months for Larry to decide that his son wasn't worthy of being bullied by middle-aged assholes with nothing better to do and we just left the church. And then I asked my grandparents what to do, and they told me to be agnostic, because it doesn't dismiss the possibility of a god but it also gives me room to not believe in a god."

"So, you're…"

"Agnostic. Agnostic atheist, to be more specific. I'm not yet sure what religion I'll believe in if there is ever proof of a god, though I don't believe there is one."

"I'm just Jewish, I don't, um, I don't know if there's a better way of, of, a better way of saying it."

"Would you ever get a tattoo, and of what?"

"Maybe a flower, I don't know, I never really thought about it, I don't think I'll ever get a tattoo, it hurts doesn't it?"

"I don't know, I haven't done any yet. I have friends who have. But if I ever do one I want an incredibly stupidly obscure one. Or an electric sheep."

_If this was a movie, now would probably be the moment you kiss Connor. You can't kiss Connor. He'll freak out and run away. Sure he's gay, but you don't just surprise-kiss people. That's awful. It's creepy and awful and he'll just think you're weird and get away and either won't talk to you anymore or take his shit out on you and you don't really want to end up beat to pulp at the end of the day so you should probably stop thinking about Connor this way._

"I- I'm bisexual." Connor raised his head extremely sharply. Evan felt equally shocked. "Or pansexual, um, I really don't know. I don't really mind my partner's gender that much but I never thought about it too much so I don't really know what to call it and –"

"It's okay, you don't have to explain yourself. Where did this come from?"

"Just, um, just a thought I had."

"About your sexuality?"

"About something else, I-I-I don't really think it's a good idea to tell you…"

"Okay, it's just… that was so random."

"Sorry."

"Don't fucking apologize, Hansen. How many times do I have to tell you that?" Connor leaned back against Evan, reaching out for his bag. "My book, please, kind sir."

"Which one? You have, like, um, a lot of them there…"

"The first one you pull out. I'll read it to you until the bell rings." Evan closed his eyes, making Connor laugh – _no, don't melt into a puddle right now, this is not the time_ – and pulled out a random book, immediately dropping it into Connor's hands.

"Please tell me it's nothing scary."

"Good Omens."

"Is it scary?"

"Subtitle, the nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter, witch."

"Um, okay…"

"Now lean back and let me read to you for the next… twenty-seven minutes." Connor opened the book and cleared his throat. "All character voices provided by me, of course."

"Of course." And then, "oh god I'm so sorry I didn't –"

"Hansen, shut the fuck up." Connor cleared his throat again. "In the beginning. It was a nice day. All the days have been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hasn't been invented yet. But clouds massing east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, and it was going to be a big one. The angel of the Eastern Gate put his wings over his head to shield himself from the first drops. 'I'm sorry,' he said politely. 'What is it you were saying?'"

* * *

 

"Tell me again how this wasn't totally a gay thing."

"I mean it, Jared, we just –"

"You just sat outside leaning onto each other reading a fucking book, if that's not a romcom I don't know what is!" Jared didn't look angry. Quite the opposite, actually. "What book were you reading, Fifty Shades of Grey?"

"G-G-Good O-Omens."

"Oh, shit. That's actually a nice book. Well, did you like it?"

"What's the Beryl scene?"

"Beryl, you never let me get a word in edgewise while I was alive. Now I'm dead, there's just one thing to say. Ron, remember your heart condition. I don't have a heart any longer, remember? Anyway, Beryl? Yes, Ron?"

"Shut up." Connor sat down next to Evan, completely ignoring the glares he got from Jared.

"Fuck you, Murphy! You ruined the whole thing!"

"Well, did you know that in the dramatis personae list it literally says 'Sister Mary Loquacious, a Satanic nun of the Chattering Order of St. Beryl'? I think that's some good exposition."

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm here to eat lunch with Evan. Why are you here, Kleinman?"

"Fuck you, asshole."

"How a-about we keep this, um, ci-c-civil, and you b-b-both w-will just st-stop fi-fighting until lunch is o-o-o-over?"

"It's your turn to ask a question, Hansen."

"Okay, um… what's your favorite musical?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Beryl, shut up. It's kind of difficult to say, actually."

"Did you just call me _Beryl_?"

"I don't have one favorite. I like Assassins, I like Little Shop of Horrors, I like Hamilton… It's hard not to like Hamilton, let's be honest."

"Did he just call me Beryl?" Jared was looking back and forth between Connor and Evan in disbelief. "Come on, Acorn, can't you answer me?"

"Well, he, um, I think he called you Beryl…?"

"But my audition song is probably going to be Nothing from A Chorus Line, so… there's that."

"I-I'm a cliché."

"Why do you say that?"

"I like Rent."

"Hey, Rent is great! Don't hate on Rent! It was the thing that first introduced me to non-binary gender identities!"

"Could anyone explain to me what's going on, Ron and Madame Tracy?"

"Painted Jezebel, mornings only, Thursdays by arrangement, and medium."

"You must be so proud of yourself for that one, Murphy."

"I never miss an opportunity."

"We're, um, we're playing twenty questions, and it's because of the, um, you know, it's because of the friendship, thing…"

"So, Kleinman, Evan here told me that you think very low of the excessive talking types of people with ADHD." Connor leaned in and put his chin on his fist, as if incredibly interested. "Do tell me more what gives you the right to belittle my people."

"I do not think little of excessive talkers, I'm just glad I'm not one."

"Why?" Jared looked away and adjusted his glasses. "I'm not going to make fun of you. I have no reason why. Other than your bath bomb fetish, that is, but I'm not that cruel."

"Not while Acorn is listening. He is too pure for this."

"I'm not really –"

"Shut up, Acorn. You're too pure for this world. Shush." Jared pulled out a box of cookies from his bag and passed it onto Evan, and then turned to focus on his lunch. "Lizzie roped me into baking cookies with her yesterday. My mom was very disappointed, but I thought you'd want some."

"Why was your mom disappointed that you made cookies?" Connor squinted and took hold of the box. "They're cookies."

"Lizzie is seven years old," Evan explained.

"What happened was that she told me she wanted to bake cookies, got me in the kitchen, I started making everything and then she just ran away and went to watch Steven Universe. The little leech made me bake cookies for her and then just ditched me!"

"She's, she's your sister, you're supposed to be, um, be nice to her."

"You know I love Lizzie, but she can be annoying. Especially when my parents are away."

"Did you know that I know why snakes don't have arms?"

"What the fuck, Murphy?"

"I was bored at two thirty in the morning so I just looked up why snakes don't have arms. Apparently it's an evolution thing."

"Why would you look up why snakes don't have arms at two thirty in the morning?"

"I told you, I was bored. I have sleeping problems. You said Steven Universe?"

"Jared re-really, um, really li-l-likes Steven Universe."

"No I don't –"

"I love this show. It's a great show. Very educational."

"Tell that to my parents."

"It's, um, it's y-y-your turn, Connor."

"Yeah, I know. Why don't your parents think it's educational, Kleinman?"

"I have a twelve-year old brother and a seven-year old sister and let's say that when your dad catches you watching On The Run with them –"

"The one where they run away from home?"

"That one. Well, my dad thought this was the whole point of the show."

"I'm just waiting for the next Steven bomb."

"Don't we all, Murphy."

That ended the conversation for the next couple of minutes. Each boy was focused on his lunch. Connor was just picking at his food. He didn't want to eat, not today. He was too tired for this. He didn't like how nice Kleinman could be, mostly because Kleinman was ninety-five percent asshole and four percent computer genius (the last one percent was mostly limbs and organs). He didn't like how nice _he himself_ could be. But apparently, Evan gets that out of people.

Over the weekend Connor had to go see Dr. Lloyd again, before his mom told him he was going to have to go back to regular visits. He just asked to see her. He had to tell her everything. And he did. He told her about everything from the very beginning. The letter, freaking out, Evan's lies, the repercussions it was going to have on him. He told her how scared he was. She just sat there, like she always did, and waited for him to finish talking before giving him her advice and trying to help. He told her that he wanted to mend his relationship with Zoe, and that he wanted to really be friends (and possibly more, though he left that part out) with Evan. That he wanted to change for the good people in his life. She smiled and said "so let's think about what it is that you need to change, though I don't think there is much."

This weekend, he was sure, he wanted to tell her about everything that happened since that first meeting back. He wanted to tell her that he was getting to know Evan in a healthy way. That he was taking small steps – for him, at least – in mending his relationship with Zoe. He wanted to tell her that he was trying, unlike all the other times he told her he'd try and then completely forgot about it.

"Just remember that this whole conversation about Steven Universe started after a topic change from your opinion on excessive talkers to your sister making you bake cookies for her, Kleinman."

Yeah, there was that too.

"I just have some worse criteria so I feel like I got lucky that I'm all those and a talker. I fidget."

"You a-also complete other people's s-s-sentences for them."

"Yeah, that's a bitch too."

"How do you know for sure that this is how it is?"

"I have a copy of my diagnosis at home."

Connor zoned out after that. Evan and Jared were talking about… whatever they were talking about. Connor wasn't paying attention. He just stared away, completely turned off to everything around him. Hoping today would be over soon.

* * *

 

"So, um, do you want to come over today?" Connor ran a hand through his hair. Evan was making Connor ramble and stutter more than the usual, for some reason. "I mean, you don't have to, obviously, but I was thinking we could do a movie marathon and have pizza and play some more twenty questions and –"

"I'm actually alone at home tonight," Evan mumbled.

"Oh. So we could do it at yours!"

"Do what at Evan's?"

"Fuck you too, Kleinman." Jared was bouncing next to Evan, looking oddly smug. "I just wanted to have a movie marathon with Evan."

"Oh. Well, let's do it!"

"You're not invited, Kleinman."

"It's going to, um, it's going to be at my house, so… so I think I should decide!" Evan sounded oddly confident. "And I decide that Jared is invited too!"

"Oh, fun!"

"Oh, fun."

"We're having pizza too, Jared." Connor rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what to expect. And then…

"I want a Hawaiian pizza."

That he did not expect.

"Kleinman, are you sure you know what you're getting into?"

"Acorn's Jewish too and I don't see you doubting his love for pepperoni pizza."

"Kleinman, please answer my question."

"Well, just because we're Jewish doesn't mean we have to go by kosher law –"

"It's not about kosher law! Hawaiian pizza has pineapple on it. Do you seriously want pineapple on your pizza, you weirdo asshole?" Jared simply nodded and kept walking away. Connor groaned.

"It's not, um, it's not that bad, right…?"

"I like you enough that hanging out with Kleinman seems like a good choice, Hansen. Don't take that wrong, I do like you regardless. But I would never put up with Kleinman if it weren't for you."

"You don't have to, um, you know –"

"I know I don't have to, but I still feel like I have to."

"Okay, um, okay, let's just…"

"Yeah, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is definitely going to be a oneshot series based on my roleplay, and it's going to be amazing. And perfectly chronologically organized. I think. And it's going to have so many musicals also in it! It's astounding! (Well, no it's not, but it's going to be great, as far as the roleplay goes...)


	9. Chapter Seven. The Pineapple Middle Finger Pizza (And Other Insanities).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Connor is stoned as fuck, Jared can't sleep and Evan is talking in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG TIME NO UPDATE AND I FEEL SUPER GUILTY. Okay. I got that out of my system.
> 
> I had almost zero time to touch my laptop since my last update, but so much happened since then. I guess the most major one is that I managed to convince my friends to do a production of DEH with me...? Just something for fun. I am, of course, Connor. Also co-everything (director, producer, etc) with the girl who plays Zoe (who is the first person I approached about this production, actually). Also, I turned nineteen last Sunday (aka the tenth), and I got to see Wicked and Book of Mormon on West End a couple days before my birthday. Lemme say that Alice Fearn and Bradley Jaden are absolutely amazing as Elphaba and Fiyero, don't get me started on Sophie Evans as Glinda, I actually started writing an AU right after seeing the musical (it's full of Fiyeraba domesticity and I'm living for it), and KJ Hippensteel and Cody Jamison Strand are just all sorts of great (my mom actually understood BoM, unlike Wicked, so that was a success). And... I dunno. Just, a lot happened.
> 
> Note, this chapter is - again - sort of weird. It doesn't look to be moving the plot and most of it looks like a filler, and I'm aware of it. This is mostly because I spent a long time staring at my conversation with my RP's Jared (which is where the text conversation comes from) trying to find places to cut it and put in other bits, and I just couldn't. So this is the end result. It will be edited as time passes, trust me.
> 
> And now, allons-y!

It all started with the pizza.

Correction, it all started with pot. As the time went, Connor started getting more and more irritated by his family all over again and needed to get stoned more. But that was obvious to him that it would happen. When he was back from the hospital, he got stoned. When he got back from rehab, he got stoned. He promised himself he wouldn't, for the sake of his fake friendship with Evan, but he had to. Suicide was never an option but so was living the way he does, and seeing as moving in with the Hansens isn't a terribly smart option and running away to Alphabet City again is definitely going to ruin his chances of going to the AMDA, he had very few options as to how to survive with his family.

So, naturally, he got stoned.

As he was sitting in the backyard getting high as all fuck, Connor thought about his life as it was. It was something Dr. Lloyd asked of him, and he didn't want to disappoint her, so he just sat there, with his joint, a pen and paper. And he wrote it all down.

He was… alive. Not in a hospital. His parents mostly left him alone, as did Zoe. He was writing his musical, now officially about his best friend's experience with a school bomber who tried to poison her. He was getting to know Evan Hansen better. He considered that a good thing. Evan Hansen was a nice guy. Well, actually…

And then there was Jared motherfucking Kleinman.

Connor couldn't understand why Evan always hung out with this guy, but he could somewhat understand why he's so cocky. Jared knew his way with a lot of things and didn't let anyone tell him otherwise. Even when that meant destroying Connor's wifi connection while trying to reset Netflix during their movie marathon a few days ago. They've had their fair share of text conversations and Connor really thought he had a good idea of how the guy works.

He also knew exactly what Jared Kleinman liked on his pizza.

After a particularly annoying day at school, Connor really felt like paying him with (with? In? whatever) the same coin. So he decided to order pizza.

Especially for Jared Kleinman.

But that was a couple days ago. So Connor felt it was appropriate to add to the list. That is, until Kleinman started texting him at one in the morning.

* * *

 

**_FROM: TICJaredK_ **

_no waifu no lifeu_

_are you high too kleinman? (not saying that I am plz dont tell my sister shell kill me)_

_shit_

_murphy?_

_fuck_

_that wasnt meant for you_

_also, smoking in secret r u?_

_Im totally holding this against you_

_not in secret_

_its not a secret if its on the porch now is it_

_what are you doing on the porch at 1:30?? Go to sleep!_

_Can't. I'm insomniac._

_Did you know that most spices on the market are actually cheaper versions of themselves? It's a really weird thing and a whole faking market and shit._

_I just found out._

_[Can't. I'm insomniac.]  
Bitch wtf me too!_

_That's called adhd dude._

_Don’t tell me what disorders I do and dont have,you spice loving weirdo_

_Correction_

_That's called adhd for me_

_Ritalin is bullshit_

_Asshole_

_(Okay now I should probably change the topic it's going to make both of us mad and I don't like my crappy emotional regulation)_

_Could u plz stop being my clone murphy? Its weird_

_Tell that to the people who discovered Zoloft_

_Do I wanna know?_

_Remember when I told you I have a history with crack and then also told you that telling you my history with Prozac is both shorter and more interesting?_

_Well, I take Zoloft. Because Prozac doesn't work anymore._

_Why am I your clone again Kleinman?_

_Because...nevermimd. so do you really think its a good idea for you to be smoking drugs in what has now become 2 am?_

_I stopped for now_

_I have tea_

_Tea is better than pot_

_Still very fucking high. But with tea._

_Also, smoking drugs? Really!_

_?_

_Tea does tend to be better when youre high (mind your pinkie. 420 raise it)_

_Shut up im tierd_

_Spelling Kleinman_

_I have something stuck in my head_

_Oooooh what it is it? I need to get the gum comercial from inside out outta my head_

_Tripledent gum?_

_TRIGGERED_

_I have Washington on your side stuck in my head_

_Specifically_

_Southern motherfucking democratic republicans_

_OH!_

_If we follow the money and see where it goes!_

_No. Just southern motherfucking democratic republicans. Like. On a loop._

_This one line._

_Oh i see. But the cure is to continue the song y'know_

_I'm too fucking baked for this_

_I can't remember how the song goes_

_And now I have the election of 1800 stuck_

_I was thinking about Peggy_

_Same me my whole life long_

_Can we get back to politics?_

_Again, too baked to remember how those things go_

_Considering that I was thinking about taking someone to see Hamilton with me_

_Not. Necessarily. Evan._

_Just pointing it out_

_Of COURSE NOT!_

_(Sarcasm)_

_You asshole_

_I'm serious. Not Evan._

_I'll take him there in Christmas._

_I have the whole thing planned_

_You know i would actually love to go see hamilton but i dont have a boyfriend_

_I use need to ask him_

_Ohm_

_Oh*_

_So go get a fucking boyfriend_

_Easy for you to say you georgeous emo wet dream you. (Ignore that,that was my twelve year old self popping in for a visit)_

_Crushing on me much Kleinman?_

_YOU WISH!_

_Also i'd never betray hansen like that_

_I need you to not tell this Evan_

_Remember eighth grade?_

_What kind of jerky party pooper do you take me for?_

_Oh_

_So_

_THAT kind_

_Valentine's Day eighth grade_

_I hate autocorrect and capitalizing words for me ffs_

_I actually wanted to ask him out_

_But I fucked it up_

_Oh so we're not talking about the same thing? So how'd you fuck it up?_

_Remember when that trash can started burning?_

_That was not me_

_But_

_I may have been partially responsible_

_And somehow I got my card on fire_

_Oh my god_

_And I was off everything because it's Valentine's Day and I shouldn't be a dick on Valentine's Day or whatever fucking bullshit I thought back then_

_So I just ran away_

_And went home_

_And cried for three hours_

_Well. That sucks,but nowhere near as horrible as the vday i had that year!_

_Why? What happened to you??_

_And I mean_

_I cried myself unconscious_

_Or semi-conscious at least_

_..._

_Lets just say_

_And i have NO IDEA why im even telling you this,since even my parents dont know this yet_

_But..._

_You tell me this because I'm high and probably won't remember this later down the road_

_Very true._

_Anyway It the year i figured out i was gay so i decided to ask my crush to be my valentine and he said no and shamed me in front of everyone for being gay and told me to never talk to him again and that im a disgusting freak. And that! Was the first day i started cutting._

_Oh my sweet summer child_

_Not trying to be an asshole_

_I am an asshole but that's not the point_

_I was absent for most of tenth year because I attempted suicide_

_Tenth grade_

_My brain doesn't work rn sorry_

_I'll tell you a weird story about that time_

_Youre a well meaning asshole who tries very hard and we all love you. (I get emotional and sappy wben its fucking 3 am)_

_Fuck_

_It's okay. I get nicer later at night too._

_So I got to go home this one weekend and my grandparents were there and it's important to mention that they're my dad's parents and not my mom's_

_So I was chilling in my room and reading books and doing stretches because some assholes in the facility really liked shaming me for being a dancer_

_Why's that important? Just curious_

_Theater nerd life is very hard_

_It's important because my mom's parents are actually very nice and live in Ann Arbor and my grandpa is a robotics professor in Michigan_

_So I'm in my room, reading, stretching, doing my own personal shit, when I hear my grandma screaming. Again, my dad's mom._

_Apparently my mom told her that I attempted suicide or something. I think. I don't know I wasn't there._

_And I heard her scream "so why don't you just lock him up already? He's been a problem child since he was born"_

_I lied about ny ballet lessons so much that i had to learn how to breakdance to cover up for it. I know what u mean_

_Coolest grandpa ever!_

_Wow. Bitch much?_

_I know! I don't actually remember it but my mom told me that I used to read college-level books about robotics during recess in first grade to try and figure out how to solve the holes in Asimov's laws of robotics because of my grandpa_

_Couldn't do that. It was first grade. I think I gave up really quickly._

_She's never been nice to me. Ever. I don't think much about her._

_We should collab on that. Between us two stubborn nerds we can probably figure it out_

_Let's do it sometime_

_Just not now_

_Yea youre high and im tired_

_Yeah_

_And Peggy!_

_(Still stuck so sorry)_

_THE SCHUYLER SISTERS!_

_Angelica! Peggy! Eliza!_

_Work!_

_Angelica! Eliza! And peggy! (And steven!)_

_Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl, and Steven! And Peggy!_

_All I wanna do_

_Is see you turn into_

_A giant woman_

_A giant woman!_

_(Okay shit this just happened)_

_Y'know considering the gems are like thousands of years old and both hamilton and rose have cannonically fucked a ton of people...you think they ever hooked up??_

_This is an interesting question_

_You only think so cuz youre high. And im ok with that_

_Do you watch RuPaul?_

_I really feel like binging rupaul right now_

_Not gonna do it_

_Too loud_

_Drag queens are loud_

_I know because I know one_

_Personally_

_She's really sweet. I like her very much._

_I must meet this person_

_Her name is Angel_

_I mean it_

_That's her name_

_Sound holly_

_Her very much birth certificate documented first name_

_Sounds*_

_Well, she is_

_She's the closest thing to a saint I know_

_She's been a lot of help in my life_

_Im glad she exists then_

_I am too_

_Oh shit now i have the jessica rabbit song stuck in my head AND I WISH I WAS A DRAG QUERN OH MY GOOOD_

_I COULD TURN YOU INTO A DRAG QUEEN_

_I HAVE THE SKILLS_

_Holyshit i have friends with skills?!?_

_AMAZING_

_Plz do_

_I am very skilled_

_I need a red dress and a ginger wig thats like my only requests_

_Most of my skills include doing the entire king of New York choreography while high without falling off the table_

_Please don't ask_

_Ask and you shall get_

_Im impressed_

_I'm not_

_HOLYFUCK_

_I HAVE CONNECTIONS TOO_

_most of them to hookers and drag queens and the odd indie filmmaker_

_I dont really have conesctions i have favors i collect and people i hack_

_I LOVE ODD INDIE FILMS_

_I ran away from home after eighth grade and lived in the city for a while and this guy was so close to adopting me before my mom realized where I was_

_This is why I know weird people_

_On the one hand im glad tou stayed and eventually you and hansen found each other on the other hand TGE IDEA OF YOU GROWING UP WITH THESE WEIRD WONDERFUL PEOPLE IS SO GOOD_

_Shut it Kleinman_

_You're making me nice_

_Remember the Hawaiian pizza?_

_Remember it?_

_And I'm not talking about that time_

_Youre making me like super nice you started it by not making fun of me for being a weeaboo_

_Remind me im tierd_

_I'm talking about the time I asked them to do the pineapples in the shape of a middle finger and deliver it to your home_

_Yes that was me_

_Holyshit i was so mad but like so impressed??? Like who even?? It all makes sense now_

_I don't make fun of people. I have a friend who is very nice to people because she's scared of people and you don't exactly make fun of someone like her so you learn to stop making fun of people in general._

_See your pizza in your mind's eye and realize exactly what would be an inch from your face if you were here rn_

_Thats too sweet im getting diabities from your considarete ass_

_That's what a mental facility gets you_

_Whatever murphy. What u didnt know is that i actually love pineapple pizza so i ate the whole thing by myself so jokes on you_

_Oh I know you like pineapple pizza. But imagine the shape of the pineapple._

_And let's be honest that girl is adorable and yet she still filled up the ac with glitter one day at the psychiatrist's office_

_How she got that glitter I have no idea_

_Glitter is,,,dangerous_

_Glitter in the hands of the emotionally unstable is very dangerous_

_Glitter gets everywhere it sticks and never lets go once it comes in contact with human skin when it sticks in an uncomfirtable place it itches more than poision oak_

_Do NOT ask me how i know all of this_

_I don't need to_

_Again_

_She filled the ac in the psychiatrist's office_

_Her first appointment ended up with glitter in his eyes_

_Glitter is my enemy_

_Glitter is what you need to be Jessica Rabbit_

_You said you like weird indie_

_Ever heard of Mark Cohen?_

_Shit. Fine i'll endure it i'll survive it_

_Yea think so._

_That guy is the one who almost adopted me_

_He made a documentary about living where he does_

_Thats fucking awsome. Unless im thinking of a different mark,your almost dad made one of my all time favorite indie filns_

_Which one?_

_Wait what was it called i think it might be it_

_I don't remember_

_I don't remember so many things right now_

_He made some really shitty tv stuff and then he quit because reasons I don't like talking about because they have to do with really lovely people._

_Nice_

_Okay shit_

_Just realized_

_What?_

_I am fucked and may or may not be going to school in ye later morning hours_

_And I've kept you up too long so fake illness and stay home and sleep_

_I just remembered it's not the weekend_

_The only thing I remember_

_Wow_

_Mark is going to be so proud of me_

_Fucker is probably getting high on the roof with Roger and Maureen and he's definitely going to make fun of me for keeping you up while high_

_I hate my life choices_

_S A M E_

_Anyways, gnight murphy_

_Night Kleinman_

* * *

 

Evan couldn't sleep that one night in October. He had no idea what he was doing with himself. He was spending more and more time with Connor, getting to know him. They exceeded the twenty questions and moved on to ask more and more. Now Connor knew about his fear of driving, his backup plans in case his dream of being a writer doesn't work out, just how oddly comfortable he is in hospitals… pretty much almost everything. And he knew weird things about Connor too. He knew just how many of his books were actually college-level robotics books, Connor's fear of the unknown ("I know it sounds very weird but it's very sensible when you think about it"), just how huge a collection of not black nail polish he has… generally weird stuff. But Connor knew weird stuff about him too, so it balanced out.

They went to the orchard fairly often. The first time Connor took him, the ground was covered in fallen leaves. Evan really wanted to climb those trees. Sadly, because of his cast, he couldn't. They would just sit on the ground, tell stories, make each other laugh. Connor brought snacks every time. Evan probably should pay him back or something. Connor usually told him community theater horror stories or went on angry rants about everything, from capitalism and bootlegs to stupid baristas that don't understand that rice milk means rice milk (which is also how Evan learned that Connor is lactose intolerant and not just cutting dairy for the theater). Evan's topics usually revolved around scholarship essays, with which the other boy gladly said he could help. They were supposed to go to the orchard this weekend. Evan's cast was already off, so he could finally climb the trees and take Connor with him.

Who knows what Lake Ontario would look like from up high.

His phone lit up with a text message from Connor – it could only be from one person, and Evan was already kind of used to Connor's crazy late night text spams – and he decided that he really can't sleep. So he got his laptop. Maybe writing down his thoughts could help.

* * *

 

_Dear Evan Hansen, tomorrow could be a good day if you actually went to sleep. So this is basically a thought organization letter._

_Is this a letter though? God knows._

_A few days ago Connor managed to convince you to listen to Assassins. The ballad of Booth is… a bit terrifying. It's definitely a federation patriotism anthem, like he said, but… lots of shouting for no reason. Some lines are still stuck in your head. Why does Connor want his yearbook quote to be "they lie about the fucking hamburgers"? Who knows. Only Connor._

_Jared is definitely being a nicer friend now. He actually signed your cast, before it was taken off. The idiot had the audacity (Connor's words) to draw a tree too. It was a nice gesture, I think. Jared isn't like that normally, so that's… weird. But nice._

_The crush on Connor isn't exactly going away. You've been spending a lot of time together lately, at that orchard. He's_

* * *

 

When Heidi got home, she saw Evan fell asleep in front of his laptop. She closed the laptop, put it aside and pulled the covers up, just like when he was a little kid.

And then his phone lit up.

' ** _From dairyqueen:_**

_so as I was saying, don't you think it's kinda sad that the only time eliza does anything that even remotely resembles rapping is beatboxing for philip, especially since we just said that more rapping means less time?_

_I dunno, just think bout it_ '

Heidi had no idea who this could be, and she didn't want to take the risk. She just flipped the phone and put it back down. So long as Evan stays asleep. Maybe she could take a day off tomorrow and actually spend time with him…

"…yearbook quote is gonna be… dunno…"

She leaned down with a smile and kissed the top of Evan's head before going to her room. Her little boy was growing up, he was making friends. Soon he won't need her anymore.

That soon is probably going to be too soon for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm trying not to take such long leaves of absence. I'm not abandoning this work at all. This is my babe and I'm working on it all the time, even when I'm not on my laptop (though then it's mostly in my head and not in writing). The next chapter would be more cohesive, mostly because I have a plan for the next chapter. Trust me, it'll be great.
> 
> Just wanted to say that I do know drag queens, and the one I know the best is kind of a dick, but the others I've met so far have been nothing but sweet and lovely. They are a loud bunch, definitely, but they're so sweet. Except that one I know personally. I've met him out of drag and even then he's a huge dick.
> 
> Also the Eliza thing is something I thought up one day. Don't kill me please.
> 
> Again, I'm so sorry for my disappearance and uploading all the other stuff before updating this, but I swear the next chapter is coming. Next month probably though. This month... I really don't know.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your patience, and (hopefully) continued support!
> 
> Also, happy Hanukkah! I personally don’t get this holiday. But it’s okay. I don’t get holidays in general. At least fried food is a traditional thing for Hanukkah. Gives me excuses to eat more schnitzels.  
> And an early merry Christmas and happy holidays to my non-Jewish readers!  
> See y’all after Novy God! (The new year. The Russian term for it. I call it that because it doesn’t make sense to say see you after the new year, at least not to me.)


End file.
